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Random Thoughts...: 03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004

 

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

i had a fever.. atleast i slept a while :)

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

restless nights, fruitless days... like fuck.. life sucks :|
yesterday nite's study thingy didnt do any good. i cudnt understand a single word of it.. i'll study by my self.. well atleast its a thought..

wat started out of need.. is now an addiction.............. so wat, i dont mean the laughter i laugh.. atleast am laughing :) let me be happy to them.

b4 i came to pakiland i cudnt picture chatting hours away.. didnt have 'cable' back in riyadh, so it was check mails n free the line. but here.. its almost free. from 1/2 hour online to somtimes 16 hours online together...i got too much into it. and all i did those hours was talk weird. ppl liked that.. to them all i am a jolly guy, who wont take anything to heart.. diss him as much as u want he wont mind, coz he has no mind. thats wat they think.. they still do. to be honest i never did take anything seriously. even if i was offended i just changed the subject.. i was online for fun, so y ruin the mood rite? but wat changed all that. i never associated anything on chat to real life. didnt take down phone numebers n crap like some ppl i know. so is it that i am sick of chatting.. is it even chatting.. and y the fuck am i talking to my self :s

its abt time i replied that mail :s ive become a rude person. these days i aint taking any bull shit from anyone.. teacher of no teacher.. i see me doin nothin wrong then fuck u. i will not take any kinda crap. jaan teeli jaisi aur bharam pathar kay. they talk abt principals.. i;ll screw em with their own principals

i need to get a hair cut.. and get a shave :S y do ppl think am in love.. fuck love! aint even close to anyone to fall in love.. all my crushes seem to just go away without a good bye. LOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! PATHETIC LIL RUNT! GET A LIFE AND STOP TALKING TO UR SELF :\

Monday, March 29, 2004

'do u remember the last time u saw something that left u speechless' not much of a hard question but... like FUCK I DONT REMEMBER :s i dont remember the last time this happened.. i dont remmeber the last time i was truly happy abt something.. i dont remember shit :s

have a study nite today.. i hope i get someing in this head of mine.. one month to finals.. shit.. i dont know anyhitng.. today ppl were solving question in class.. and i was hitting ppl with a rubber band.. i didnt know wat the shit was goin on :S

i need to cut down on coffee.. or i will truly die.. like literally. my hands r shaking :s cant even write right anymore :S

Saturday, March 27, 2004

talked to doomer.. was nice talking to him.. those were the good ol college days.. me, doomer, gdi, devil, awgreat.... had chalk fites.. water fites.. damn we had all sort of fites.. but at the end of the day we still left the college together...wonder when we all gona have a get together thingy...

shit am addicted to coffee... i dont have it, i end up with a bad head ache.. i have it.. and i go numb :\ numb is better :) let it all go for a while.. yes i am running away from my problems. no use in sitting there.. wats my problem anyways :
i wonder if ive ever made a difference in someones life.. like anyones.. koi bataiga thori :p

when ur in school u think school is shit college is cool.. when ur in college u think college is shit uni is cool.. when ur in uni u think uni is shit work is gona be cool.. when ur working u think work is shit retirement is cool.. when ur retired.. life is shit, life afterwards is cool.. decieved thruout aint we? till death that is.

life took its toll, when i lost my innocence..

need to find that guy Juzer again.. ahh Juzer... he was a nice guy... innocent, helpfull... wud help just abt anyone without a reason.. wudnt diss anyone... never talked back to his elders.. had respect for the most horrible person. guess this world has no place for such a person. wonder where he went :
I wish for words to mind.. i wish for a shadow at hind!..

Monday, March 22, 2004

its 5:20 am.. fuck.. am as if i had a good nite's sleep and have got up for uni or soemhting :s.. so seriously screwed up :S

been acting insane to keep my mind off of things.. even the teacher told me to get some tests done :$

FUCK INTERNET!! :@

Friday, March 19, 2004

on way to self destruction :)

surrouned by ppl still alone.. dont wana be alone but still going into exile. dont talk to ppl.. they wana talk to me.. or dont they? cant be sure.. cant be sure of anything.. was confused.. am confused.. hope i dont stay confused :\ ive managed to seriously piss off some teachers.. am so close to getting into serious shit :S

life goes on... until ur dead that is :|

jab manzil hee maut... chal diay zindagi ko kyoun?<

Monday, March 15, 2004

cry out.. burst into tears... blow my top off.. rage into fury.. touch a soul.. love till death.. i need to get these emotions out of me.. some time soon will be better though :
the real question is wat am i so depressed abt? may be am just a pathetic looser crying over spilt milk and has no cat to lick it :S ppl assume much abt me.. abt my potentials.. abt my abilities.. abt me.. y? cant ppl just be.

i look into the mirror.. n i see me. i see mee looking back at me.. i see me looking back at me trying to look at me.. i see me looking at me trying look into me, into wat am i... into wat ive become.. i see me looking back at me with a blankness.. with no hopes.. have i lost hope in me. have i lost faith in fate? havent i lost enuff as it is. i mite end up loosing everything else i got.. am i faking my depression.. am i faking all this.. dont i ask alot of questions? :\ loose the crap.. talk.. talk wats on ur mind. say something. fuckn shit am talking to my self :|

Thursday, March 11, 2004

is it that i cant sleep.. or is it that i dont want to sleep? ive become so used to this. hitting the bed by 1-2 am seems to be like huh? like outa the question. wats the use anyways,. am goin to be awake till 5-6 till i fall asleep :S i like this hour. so quiet. no one to bother me.. all alone in my lil world. in my room. loneliness knows me by name,.. i think thats a song :\ cant remember by whom. cant remembder anything these days.. wel nothin important anways :p gave my so called mid terms. gave em all by wat i remembered from class.. or from wat i knew b4 this semister. happy that midterms r over :) jaali smile :S

over the years i managed to lose "Juzer" .. the person that i used to be.. the person ppl referred to as innocent. i shudnt had lost JUZER though. i shudnt had become jojo.. i shudnt had turned jaali. then again.. i never meant to. more like compelled to. who cares... coffee rulz (Y) from a slight wheatish color of coffee.. to a dark brown cup.. started using milk so that i can put more coffee.. damn! mom's gona kill me she finds out.. sometimes i wonder if she knows me at all? sometimes i wonder if anyone does? its my fault to begin with.. dont share much with ppl.. then again no one needs to hear my crap :) they got their own crap to sort out. alot of crap out there.. crappy world. crappy ppl.. crappy examz. crap crap crap crap crap. ok ive lost it :S pathetic lil being :)

shitty net :S its gone dead again.. i'll post this tomorrow :)

by jaalijojo 3:39 AM ;)

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

cofffeee.. cheersss!!
midterms aint goin that well. most of the study time.. am listening to songs or just staring at the books.. or notes.. or just the table.. or just sitting in the dark with the table lamp off. i like darkness.. black and red.. these two appeal me the most..

and when i thought i was goin backl to normal.. am fucked up again :S every freaking thing around me is getting messed up.

"abey kiya majnu ki tarah ghoom raha hay" "abhi tang na kar... may gham may hoon" n then they all laugh.. said this line alot of time.. never meant a single word of it.. and when i did mean it.. well not exactly gham but somehting like that.. they all luagh.. cant blame em for it. its me who made this a joke. yeah me the joker.. fuckn fake.. always trying to make ppl laugh.. who the fuck am i? always trying to get to the bottom of others problems.. getting other's life in order.. look at ur own life u big fake. if u were that much of a problem solver, she wud had never slit her wrist! "yaar teri kiya ghalti hay, konsa tu kuch kar laita" nahi karta.. try bhi kyun kee mainay.. y did i poke my nose into someone elses matter.. so i knew her from the net.. so wat.. wat exactly did u know abt her.. wat exactly do u know abt anyone in ur list.. never bothered to even ask their second name.

"dosro ki tarah kabhi tum nay kyun pic ka poocha.. ya phir number ka" (fama) konsa teer mar loonga yeh sab pooch kar. online baat karta nahi dhang kee.. phone par baat karona.. kar hee na loon baat :S

tears that i have seen in the eyes of whom i love... wish i cud shed some to get in the club.

i dont remember a single moment when i was truly happy.. not that ive lead a pathetic sad life.. but still i cant remember any of it. and wat i wana forget.. i cant :S

someday am gona read all this.. and laugh. if i live that long. still dont know wats on my skin :s

coffee over.. i wish i cud have more.. but then again dont wana get high...

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

pal pal rehta hoon may.. har pal doobta hoon may... pal pal soochta hoon may.. har pal mitt raha hoon may
am i crying over nothin?

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

i feel drunk :S cant hold a pen.. :S read thru the whole chapter dont know wat i read.. all i know is that i read thru it :) hope dinner gets me back to my senses :\
went to a cafe with huzi, coz he needed to check his mails.. i sat on another PC.. all i did the whole hour was empty my mail box n read on forums. signed into msn.. aisha was online.. said hi.. to which she said. "akhir kaar app ko time mill he gaya hi hello karnay ka" :S like WTF.. msg karo tou mushkil.. na karo tou mushikl.. then just signed out of it.. didnt feel like chatting anymore.. didnt bother to say bye.. n y shud i ? kehtay hain.. itno dino say kaha thay.. na mail na call.. how abt i say the same? kehtay hain yehi thee tumhara dosti.. net ki dosti.. wat else was it suppose to be? mail karo n look like a pathetic fool who has no life outa net? ... fine.. net ki dosti hay.. agar tou yeh dosti hay.. ive lost the meaning of frndshp.. lost too many to care any more.. from the list of 100 i dont know the second name of even 90 of em.. havent seen even 95 of em. never cared to ask.

b4 i started all this i made a pact with me self, i wud keep net life absolutely apart from my real life.. but :S my cyber life kinda pushed me into depression.. y? i dont know.. just did.. cant things just happen for no reason? i shud stop looking for reasons in everything. let things be..

i got no responsiblites wat so ever.. not to my family.. not to my frnds.. none.

thinking didnt do me any good.. fuck this depression.. am goin back to my insane ways!