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Random Thoughts...: 04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004

 

Friday, April 30, 2004

STOP!

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

i was depressed abt regrets i have abt life... so i stopped coffee b4 i had an addition to my regrets list, a regret that i may had to live with or wud had died for.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

i got fedup with the way things were goin.. day in day out... everynite same crap over and over again. this led me to depression. this depression led me to dangerous ways. remorse of my past, i lost track of present. things that were around me. during this month, i became double the shit head that i was b4 :\ thinking abt life, thinking abt tomorrow led me no where. coffee that i started so i cud get away from it all, has made me weak. its made me insomic. hell i made my self insomic. my throat hurts, my ears seem inflated, my kidneys kinda hurt. the only sleep i am getting is when i am feverish which by they way i am getting more n more these days. everything seems crapy to me. i look at anything and i start cussing at it. may it be living or non living. i came close to messing up somone's face bad more than once. either i am not talking at all or i am cussing. dont even realize who i'm talking to unitl its too late.

the ways things are goin, the way i am acting... i think i dont give a damn abt anything. if i dont care wat happens to me, then y wud someone else wana care? and the ppl who do care i dont seem to be listening to em. ppl have to much shit of their own to take care of, then to worry abt otheres. everything changes with time, so have i. but i havent changed for the best.

today at the viva i cud had studied for each and every question teacher asked me. hell i had everything. books, net, notes.. but still... i need a 3.5+ gpa this semester to get back in the game. dad pays for everything.. every single thing i spend on. i see ppl working and studying the same time, coz they cant afford it. everyone wants wats their, everyone wants wat they pay for. so i better show a better result. or i shud start working. either case someting has to change. with all those changes, more change wont hurt.

Life cant hurt me no more
Listening to Distrubed - Darkness

and i am still making the project :\

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

i saw the car coming... i saw the bike coming... and still i stepped down from the pavement.. still i crossed the road. didnt give a damn abt anything. if not me, i cud had killed those two... fuck! ive become a hazard to society.

first they dont teach us anything in the class.. then they take vivas as if we'r born with a "Electrical Machines" - P.C. Sen book :\ then they curse us for not paying attention in the class.. like fuck u. then they get pissed off when u lay down the facts to them. i am happy abt the clash thingy at uni yesterday.

wonder y ppl dont listen when u tell em nicely :\ one of these days someone gona get screwed up. may be more screwed up then they actaully deserve :S people... stay the hell away from me.... i mite bite!

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. :)
SHUTUP!! DONT TALK TO ME!!!

Monday, April 19, 2004

THIS CRAP WILL KILL MEE :)

Saturday, April 17, 2004

silence in midst of a storm

Friday, April 16, 2004

wat am i? a reason, season or a life time...

light shows u the way. light gives u the insight. light rules when darkness prevails. light up and beyond. light deep within. but wat if ur eyes cant take the light? wat if the light makes ur eyes close? u cant make ur way thru with ur eyes closed, can u? wat if its darkness that calms u down?

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY I AM HHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

last nite was crapy :S crapity crapity crap crap.. my crap.. mine... all mineeee.... :)

Monday, April 12, 2004

fuckn SOBs.. and to say they call them selves teacehers. its them who screwed with us in the first place.. then they take it down on us by taking out 10-15 marks for no reason :@ whole class's GPA went down.. mine.. 2.99 :@@ all i can say is i pray to GOD jo unho nay hamaray saath kyia.. woh un kay saath bhi ho :@ yes i am bad-duaing.. SUE ME!

when nothins goin right then wats the point of optimissim.. fuck life! i'm getting high!
EXILED!! :@

Sunday, April 11, 2004

huston we have another problem :S whenever my mouth opens.. i either end up pissing someone off.. or dissing someone bad :S it just happens.. i can help it.. and all for no reason. oh Juzer! where art thou.

when i used to be online most of the time.. dad used to get pissed. when i'm not online these days.. hes still pissed :\ like damn if u do and damn if u dont. my last semester result was late. i told him i passed and he replys me by saying that i'm hiding my 'real' result from him :@ like.. if he wasnt my dad, i wud had replyed him with a cuss-mail :@ damn :S i need to control this mouth of mine. either i dont talk at all.. or i start cussing at somehting :S dementedly disturbed :)

sorry to all the ppl i dont talk to when they want me to talk.. sorry to all the ppl who i dissed coz they made me talk,.. sorry to all the ppl who i cussed at for no reason :\

make sense damit :S
no one wants to hear crap... so its mine... all mineeee... :)

Saturday, April 10, 2004

i wont have coffee today morning.... coz am still high from the last nite one :)

just when i was cutting down on it i flipped :\ :$ oh well.. live for the moment.. :) let fate take its way.. let life unfold for it self.. i'll just tip toe behind it :)

two classes of digital electronics.. LOL that guy cant teach even in 4 classes.. phir kehta hay shoor nahi karo nahi tou class choor donga.. class may lecture day kar konsa teer mar raha hay :S dont know where they get these kinda teachers :@ i just pray he doesnt mettle with me.. coz i'll give him a piece of my mind :@ watevers left of it :
wat i need to do is think b4 i leap :S ive been cussing and dissing alot.. :( ive become a bad person, in the process ive been mean to good ppl too. am fucked up, no need to screw other ppl rite :S

i used to be so creative.. drawing.. ahh drawing, used to that alot.. ive still got those drawing pencils and colors and stuff.. no one uses em anymore.. :\ hell i cant hold a pencil rite anymore :S freakn life.. freakn me.. bad me.. demented me.. crapy me... me me me.. mine... all mineeee

when ur hands are shaking and head is spinning then... huston we have a problem!

Friday, April 09, 2004

yyyaaaaayyyyyyyyy i flunked the network II test :D

bummer :S
y the fuck i bother coming online when am just gona sit there and stare... fuck it am out :S

I pray for words to my mind... I pray for a Shadow at hind

Thursday, April 08, 2004

Din tou beet gaiy... yaadien kyoun choor gaiy?
zakhm tou bhar gaiy... nishaan kyoun choor gaiy?
half those things are most unlikely.. but the thought counts rite... EC/T

yesterday i cut down on coffee... today i was back to getting high on it.. i think i still am :S

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

can words really tell things abt a person? wat if i pasted lines from a shakespear play thingy.. wud that make me from his time?

my parents think i smoke.. my sis thinks ive joined some gang or something.. nanyal ppl think i am a ladies man and have dozens of gfs and go on dates and stuff.. dadyal ppl think ive turned against them...guys at uni think that my supposedly bachi ran off with someone... guys at hydery think i am a good dancer and goto dance parties....ppl at irc think i am a 12 year old... like wat the FUCK :S no one fucking knows me.. or does anyone? :\ oh well lets just let em think watever that pleases em. who gives a damn.

i didnt have coffee tonite.. but i am still up :\ ive been running around everywhere whole day.. but still

i can goto extreme lengths.. but my body wasnt made for it. sure i look rough n tuff.. but am not. i shud stop b4 it gives in.

finals in one month. dont know shit after midterms. all teachers manage to do is piss me off :/

my crap... mine... all mineeee :)
i cant belive am living this life... y did i go this way... i need to take this knife... and put it away...

ive become so rude... there is just too much anger and rage trapped inside me.. but i am taking it out on wrong ppl. seedhay moo baat nahi karta.. cussing at ppl for no apparent reason. abusing in every second line that comes outa my mouth. i thnk i shud stop talking till things get back to normal.. watever that is :S

fate... how is a murderer a murderer when it was in his fate to be one? he cudnt had helped it.. it was how it was meant to be.. if its all already written, then y bother and pray for something to happen.. if its gona its gona.. if not.. then it just wont. so is it just better not to pray for somehting soo much that if its not in ur fate, u'll get heartbroken when it doesnt happen. i am not making any freakn sense.. .

today totall khuwari day.. everything that i was suppose to do... ppl i was suppose to meet.. either they didnt show up or i got late in traffic :S from 11 in the morn to 7 evenin.. :S

true... its always easier to blame other ppl then look into ur own. we always look for somethign to blame when things go wrong. but its this thing, how even the guilty ppl get away with it.. all they got to say is apni ghalti kabhi na manna..

i better stop b4 it kills me :S

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

CHEEERRRSSS!!!

barsaat si zindagi... garji, barsi, khatam hui...

i got 3 projects pending, one assignment and two tests :\ dont these teachers have anything better to do :S ok i dont have anything better to do either :
'kuttay ki maut marjaiy ga' LOL come to think of it.. he is rite though... the way i am goin it mite just happen... hoti rahay subah.. hoti rahay shaam... waqt ka kaam hay beetna, so beet jaiy gee zindagi.

Monday, April 05, 2004

basically i just went to visit Nani.. but incidently mami had a women gathering thingy.. so almost whole khandaan was there.. i wasnt in mood to tackle them all though..

"ammi abbu nathi tou hamnaij karvu parsay" FUCK YOU!! i dont want anyones pitty.. feeling sorry for me coz my parents aint here at my birthday.. no big deal.. ive got no problem with it.. then y the fuck do they? didnt feel like celebrating. lol didnt even taste the damn cake. thngs u got to do so that ppl dont talk back at u or ur family..

from dad's email it seems they had more fun celebrating my birthday

went to Damascus with coz's frnds.. i felt so old with them.. the nearest guy my age was 18.. not much of an age difference but still.. they were doin wat i did when i was 18... same messing around thingys.. i had that flavoured huqqa thingy (mixed fruit and strawberry).. kinda cool.. although am asthemic.. but who gives a damn :) like smoking that thing was so natural to me.. i think i am a natural smoker :)

the whole day i had no coffee.. but i cudnt stay away from it.. so i ended up having two cups of freshly brewed coffee at Damascus :\ Muffi had a lil taste... lol poora hill gaya..

i made my birthday enjoyable to everyone.. family and frnds.. mera bass chalta tou bhaag jata waha say.. but wasnt actually possible.

so the bottom line... 14th safar 1425 was a day that most ppl will remember as one of the best enjoyed day... but for me..... ahh! who cares wat i thnk.. fuck me :)

Sunday, April 04, 2004

14th Safar... am 21 today. ppl say i need to act more my age... quit acting insane and stuff.. being serious got me no where.. so why go that way?

these blisters under my feet are not of stone n thorn, but of shattered dreams that lay scattered on path

14 of every month is a full moon... mooon.. agar chand itna khoobsorat hay, tou tanha kyoun?

havnt visited Nani in a long time... abt time iwent there........
my lower back hurts :S wonder wats wrong....
there are alot of shoulders to cry on... now all i need r tears!

happy birthday to me.. another year down till the end!

Saturday, April 03, 2004

awake since 6am yesterday morning :) i tried sleeping after i came home from uni, but.... well... i cudnt sleep.. my eyes just wudnt close.

y do i wana hurt my self... may be so that no one else can hurt me. inflect more pain in my self so that all other pain seem like a needle prick. i cudnt get my priorities in order. i cudnt find an aim in life.. i cudnt find a path for life... mite as well 'live' the day and get it over with. the hell with kal ho na ho. i shud atleast start living my day's life. aint even doin that.

i shud open more to others. but first i need to open up to my self. there things deep inside that have been there a long time. may be they r there to be forgotten with time. time heels all. but time waits for none :\all wounds of flesh heel with time, but they still leave a mark. guess wounds were never meant to fully go away.

"u said call em, not me. so ur saying ur not my frnd" (charmzZz) wonder wat ppl have in their minds for the defination of 'frnd' well ive lost the defination of frndship. ur suppose to tell everything to ur frnds.. better get buddy buddy with my inner self first.. sometimes i simply despise my self.. of wat i do.. of wat i am.. of wat ive become. i told my coz to back off from coffee.. not even one snip. who am i to do that.. am having coffee like hell.. y cant he.. may be coz its bad for him. may be he cant handle it. but can i? its bad for me.. but it feels so good for a while.. not a thought in mind. just no thoughts.. no one can understand that. but still that much cafine will kill me for sure. aint afraid of death.. but in no mood to do anything suicidal either.


leave thy feelings at bay, for this world has no space for emotions

Friday, April 02, 2004

lol.. sleepign well while feverish.. i thought i cud get away with it again :P but i ended up not sleeping at all... oh well jaha itni sari raatien.. us may aik aur sahee.. mujhe uni nahi jana :S.. but then again ive got nothin to do here.. kam say kam attendence tou ho jaiy gee :D