somewhat a year since i posted last. i kind of lost interest in blogging, though i know it quite well how its a place to unburden my thoughts. well thats how i am, suddenly i lose interest in stuff... but i keep thinking about it.

nothing has changed much, apart from the fact that im done with my bachelors, awaiting results though.

hanging out with friends really gives you peace of mind... even if most of the time we'r argueing about one thing or another :P i have some great laughs with friends... but laughing alot has its downside.. when your alone, you feel like shit :| dont know why, its just how it is.

its a new year. a new beginning. thus it should mark the end of the 'old' me and start of a 'new' me. doesnt make much sense to you... but its crystal clear to me :)

i still dont get it. why do people i know so well, just dissappear from my life :/ or may be i never knew them at all. quite alot of random thoughts :p

i need to get a job. i know that, but still people keep telling me that :/ it quite annyoing now. four years of unishitty and im sitting home, because suddenly people decided that the market for electronic engineers is saturated :/ but i havent lost hope, as the 'shareef' way isnt working... ima pull some strings. thats how this country works.

after 3 years away from saudia, ive come to realise how i loved that place :( how i would give anything for a visit. though i doubt if i would like to live there again. because quite frankly its boring there.. but what i miss is the peace... the Umrahs.. how i miss those Eids in Makkah :( for 18 years, without a miss, i spent the Eid-ul-Fitr in Makkah. most of the Riyadhians would be there.. and it was so much fun. i just didnt realise that when i was there. you dont realise alot of things untill you dont have it anymore :/ its human nature. it sucks though!

everyone i meet assumes that i'll be getting engaged soon. or they just tell me to get engaged now that im farigh from unishitty. as intriguing as it may sound :p i dont want to.

i wana get a job. i want all the luxuries i had back in saudia.. i wana give my parents all the luxuries they had in saudia. they were there most of their lives, they've become used to them. and i shall one day INSHALLAH give all that back to them. from all those who walked away from my life, one thing is for sure... my parents wont be one of them. beautiful people they are. just beautiful :)

enough for a come back blog :p
till we meet again
may the force be with you :D

friends come and go, its family that sticks with you be it high or low. they dont leave.. well normally they dont that is.

death is something you cant look away from. like it or not, its there. its inevitible (spellings?) life should unveil on its own... rushing it will just rip it apart.

Death shall set us free!

Keep the Faith - Bon Jovi

If only life would had remained the same... why did it have to change? why did it have to become such complicated.

I dont know why I bother to write things here, no one actually 'reads' it. May be I want to read to read it, sometime in the future. They say everything happens for the better. They say change is good. If only 'They' could shut the fuck up! Minding ones own business has become more of a challenge these days. Everyone needs to find out what the other is doing. Not just find out, but to dig into their lives and 'know' everything. To be left alone, to be left on your own would be a blessing in this world today.

What is 'world' anyways? technically its nothing and still its everything.

Today is tomorrow's yesterday... if you live to see tomorrow that is, life can be quite unpredictable... and if you live to see tomorrow, 'today' can be quite a bitch.

I havent talked to some people that used to be quite close. people that I used to talk hours with and not notice the time pass by. They all go 'away'... them people. They don't even bother saying good bye. Maybe thats why I have issues trusting people. Maybe thats why I have issues getting close to anyone.

Making future plans has become more of a 'useless' aspect of life, considering the fact that just thinking of tomorrow fade it away...

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fourth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test

Ive realised that, the only way I can get these thoughts to stop are to write them somewhere. It doesnt matter if I keep what i wrote somewhere or not. it was just getting em off the mind.. making em stop. so people say its good to think. but to think of something that wont ever happen, or something that isnt actually 'sane' is.. well just a waste of time and energy.

so keeping 'off' hasnt actually helped. though ive been off the longest ever since i first came online. but the real question is what was i thinking of accomplishing by it? what is it that i so want to happen? is being random the only way?

kiya hay meray paas? kuch nahi....

no sense in telling a webpage things :/ so i'm gona stop talking to you!

...paisa phaink tamasha dekh!

i stand searching... for a shadow at hind...

and yeah.. dukha`an mush koi`es :/

human being is quite an intelligent creature. it can justify absolutely anything as right...

so i keep wasting time.. its fun wasting time :) but i dont wana be screwed this semester..

my defination of life keeps changing. watever the defination, i cant seem to follow it :/ no wonder it changes.

"woh na hua, kiya pata ussi may bhalaiy ho" kiya pata... cant know for certain. i'm not living in the past anymore, but i dont have much of an optimistic attitude towards the future either.

i feel lonely.. i feel so lonely...

we wish for alot of things.. but i realised something.. one should wish for a proper burial!

*its like my dad has no interest in what ive to say, and he no interest in what i can do. if thats how he wants it to be, so shall it be. may be i have nothing to offer to him, or to anyone else for that matter.

*she came to visit 2 days b4, y? may be coz i didnt go there for a while now. but for what. its all going to end after we move from here :)

*as he talked on about how 'he' will die n how hard its going to be on everyone n all.. i couldnt give a fuck abt it :/ for all i cared was for him to die and get it over with. there was this movie on a couple of days back with explosions and ppl dieing n all.. as i watching it, i realised i had this smirk on my face :/ cold.. how did i become so cold?

*on a another note, ive got high blood pressure. dont know howd that happen... but i do. and due to which liquid refuses to stay in my body... all the liquid i intake gets pissed out or sweat out and that too quite fast :/ so i mite end up lying faint on the side walk one of these days :D

i am evil. really i am. i can curse someone from within my heart, and it happens! they actually get cursed. i tend to make bad things happen just like that :/ ppl say dua karo keh yeh ho jaiy... dua karo woh ho jaiy... its like tell me if u dont want that particular thing to happen :|

khair i did curse someone, and it happend :) i am not proud of the fact, but still it happened. every two months or so, a friend's relative dies. ive been to the graveyard more in past 8 months than i have in 3 years. same place, and somewhat the same time. when people were crying here and there, i would be standing in a corner wondering if i can get a glass of water :/

i'm not feeling much of anything these days. ive gone cold :) may be thats the only way you can survive. caring about other people before yourself doesnt return much of anything, coz they will screw u first chance they get.

quite alot of random thoughts. who cares if they arnt important :)

its no use talking to somebody.. coz i'm not going to actually talk to the person :\ its just how i am. yeah i know i'm weird :) but isnt everyone? its the abnormalities of our ways of life that makes us an individual. no one remembers a normal person, coz they dont exist.

khair.. on a brighter note, we bought a house.. finally! :D

early mornings are so heavenly... steaming cup of coffee, cool breeze blowing and good music to ears... aahhh... i do appreciate people's concern, really i do. i dont mean to blow them off like that, but the issues i have were created by me... so they need to be resolved by me... and so they shall be. after we move to the other place, things will change. distance will indeed play its role :)

no random thoughts these days... just one... thought of death!

so i listened to her.. i heard everything she had to say. for some, i do think it wasnt her fault... but come on :S i feel sorry for some part but i dont know wat else to tell her. i mite be the only one who agrees with her for some part and still its me she gets pissed off saying ur just like the rest of em? as fucked up as it may sound, she has nothin to live for. shes goin to hell as it is, mite as well speed up the process :S but NOT ON MY CONSCIOUS! its enough i have to live with one death! like i said, everyone is entitled to an opnion :S i'm not a good listener, more like a fucked up one.. with nothin to say to the other person.

they ask for ur opinion, but they never want to hear what they dont like. they dont wana agree with u. they dotn wana hear anything negative abt wat they'r doin.. so y the fuck ask for other's opinions? :S u wana die? go die on ur own time. do watever u wana.. my head is already too fucked up :S and they tell me stop drinking that crap :\

so im not a good person? wat else is new :S i dont give a fuck anymore.. really.

meri udasi may kahee tum muskrati hogi? paah! yeh armaan hain teray... armaan...

ive been feeling so miserable since yesterday.. so fuckn miserable!
i cant get enough of this crap either. everyone one i know, who knows abt my coffee issues has told me to quit. but whenever i decide to, something fucks up everything. i cant sleep when i'm so dead tired, so if u cant beat em... join em?
lol, have u known a person who is actually afraid to pray for anything?
miserable, so pathetically miserable!

its these scars that tell u... wat happened in the past was real!

everyone is entitled to an opinion... no matter how fucked up it may be.

irony of the situation... having java while studying java :)

if your not part of the solution, then your a part of the problem... :)

What am i? a reason? a season? or a lifetime?
a somewhat old question.. but it does make one think...

i have to no i need to sort out a few things. ppl say they care.. ppl say alot of things. at the end, all they r just words. no one can be sure of 'words'

i have to no i need to sort out a few things.

i dont actually feel sorry for her either. i should, but i don't.

all it takes to end it... is a click of a mouse :) so what kind of relationship we talking about? something that hangs on a thread as weak as that... a medium between any relationship, cant be a real one...

...then again those r my thoughts. doesnt mean u have to agree with em :) mine... all mineeee!

to some, life is literally cruel. is it their fault, that life came to them as it did? technically speaking it is, but thats another issue. they cant change it now. what they can do... is make the rite choices now, atleast make their worldly life comfortable. but u cant really always make the rite choices, can u? so what choices are we talking abt? none! its the circumstances of life that makes u turn for a way. hoping it to be a rite way doesnt cut it either. u need to be prepared for the road ahead. stones and thorns cant move on their own. so wat am i trying to say? nothing! thoughts dont always lead to making sense. somethings are better off senseless...

wat he meant to say was... your a worthless piece of shit, whos been freeloading all this time
:)

love may be the best thing that can happen to a person, but getting heart broken is the worse that can happen. i wud tell him to becareful.. but then again its none of my business :) let life take its course...

..."so its better not to love at all".

dil-e-verran hain, teri yaad hain, tanhaiy hay...

...sach tou yeh hay, keh dua karna hee choor diya hay... :)

Scorpio: The less seriously you take yourself, the better off you will be
horoscopes tell u the weirdest of things :
raat itni andheri.. keh saiy bhi chup gaiy...

doesnt matter how good of mood ur in, there is always someone around to fuck up ur head :)
i try to be 'normal' i even succeed at times, but its 'crap' that ticks me off and just go back to square one.
those things that i disliked or even hated before, i dont give a fuck abt it now.. well i do.. but i dont :\ crap! crap!!!!

i dont exactly know y, but ive prayed for it... that too on more than one occassion :)
i think ive stopped beliveing in fate. u make ur own fate. all i want is SOBs to die and not to mess it up :\ y cant ppl just live their own fkn life and lets others do the same in peace :(

money... it divides and seperates ppl so easily... cant live with it, cant live without it.

lol, i cursed it :) i knew i was doin it, but i just wanted to make sure, and so i did :)

he blames me for her death, as much as we joke abt it, he still does... one tends to value things he has lost, than those he has.

being rich or poor, it doesnt matter... happiness comes from within...

:D

a person born blind, wud he/she dream at nite?

wat exactly am i doin still up this late? :/ sheesh i wont get any sleep till i'm sick, will i :S this sucks.. this sucks bad :(

LEECHES! blood sucking leeches, thats what they are! parasites that live, feeding on others. they sucked everything out for such a long time and still they want more :S if it were upto me i wud had disowned em a long time ago.

its kinda ironic, more like pathetic that i cant pray for someones long life or pray for someone coz it seems all my prayers ever do, is curse the whole situation :) sometimes i hate my self for that :/

so y am i writing all this? coz.. well.. i cant find a good enuff reason for it at the moment.. so i'll get back on it later :/

happiness doesnt come from a day or an occassion. it comes from within...

:)

its pathetic when a complete stranger asks u for advice abt their relationship. lol and wats even more pathetic is asking me abt it :P ive seen enuff crushes, ive seen enuff ppl fall in 'love' and then topple into a ditch so far down, that they dont know wats day light any more. ive seen enuff relationships break and some to an extend of never talking to each other. hell ive seen a person commit suicide all in the name of 'love' ....so heres wat i think, screw love :S if ur in love with someone be enuff a person to actaully tell that person how u feel. if u cant do that, go to the lake and fish, atleast u'll be having some fun. and if ur in a relationship, get freakn engaged if ur that serious abt it :S ohh i'm mad abt him, oohh she drives me crazy, ohh i miss him/her soo much.. a spark, and poof.. oh hes a SOB, oh that bitch!

oh so u dont agree with me? does it look i give a F? MY RANDOM THOUGHTS! minee.. all mineeee!!

fkd up crap! y do ppl have to be such shit heads? blah! dont they have enuff goin on :S

fuckn crap :S like is a "good nite's" sleep too much to ask for? :(

some things dont go away... some ppl dont go away. phir kiya kiya jaiy :\ may be i shud go away :)

atay ko tokna nahi, jatay ko rokna nahi... :)

was it ever to work out? is it better this way, or is this another 'phase'? time will tell...

u show some concern and they reply back in a fucked up manner :\ well.. fuck u! aint got time for shit. u can keep ur crap to ur self then!

the things is, there r ppl out there with problems bigger and more serious then mine.. so shut the fuck up!

and yeah, i feel like crap :)

dunya may gham dainay bohat hain.. dunya may ghussa dilanay walay bohat hain.. magar dunya may hansanay walay kitnay hain? agar hain, tou kiya unhay koi gham nahi? unhain koi ghussa nahi?

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Very High
Schizoid:	Very High
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

:)

i feel like crap, both physically and mentally.. :) and i keep telling my self, its all gona pass by, one day i will turn back and laugh at it all... either that or death will become me before these days go by :)

as soon as u think its all past now. uve moved on, something outa the blue slaps u back. guess happy ending isnt meant for all characters...

note to self: never sit idle.. never.. :
cant always be doin something.. now can i.. insaan hoon may bhi.. kiya kiya jaiy ?
either this coffee aint real, or i cant get high anymore :/

kiya hoga mera?

how do u know if this isnt the real me? i wish i cud turn off my thoughts. i wish i cud change the past. i wish i had a aim. i wish i had answer to simplest of questions. i wish i had all that, that was supposedly mine. if wishes were to come true, then they wudnt be wished wud they... that wud be wat we call fate.. getting wat is urs.

hazaro may tanhaiy ka alam?

ello bloggy.... atleast i cant hurt u or piss u off :) i shudnt had replied :( i'm a bad person. taking out something that wasnt intended for anyone at all. saying sorry doesnt cut it, does it?

lol i cant even get high anymore... or watever that feeling was. kehtay hain jo ziyada hasta hay woh rota bhi ziyada hay.. hasna tou ho gaya.. dil say na sahee.. magar hasee tou hay na. now all i need r tears. just something inside that needs to be set free.

searching for a face that doesnt exist anymore, atleast not for me... everytime i see her, i break to pieces and still i have a smile on my face. during the day, its jojo the jester... have i any other choice?

some simple questions:
Q1- whos my role model
ans- no one

Q2- wats my aim in life
ans- dont know

Q3- have i made a difference in anyones life
ans- no

Q4- number ppl died after wat i said
ans- 1

Q5- will i ever become 'asli'
ans- the day i die

wana curse something so that it never happens.. contact me n i'll pray for it, hotay huay bhi nahi hoga :) koi kuch dua karnay ko kehta hay.. i just try to forget abt it. kyoun kisi ki qismat ko thokar maroon.

i wish i cud leave khi. i wish this life wud just end....

when will it stop.. when will it go away? wats the end to it all? death may be.. death is inevitible..

just drop everything. thinking and trying to take action is no good..

away.........

dont expect anythign from me.. fuck off everyone..its for ur own good..

and so i'm back in pakiland... out of riyadh for good... they say home is where heart is, i dont know where my heart is.. so that means i have no home... till my heart finds a place, let 'home' be a pending dilema...

cheers...
no its not coffee.. its Holsten :> like i forgot how much i like this thing.. i'm gona miss it though.

its weird how dad seems to get pissed off at just abt everything ive got to say in 'official' matters. i dont say anything wrong, but it seems all wrong to him. well from now on i aint saying anything. he can do watever he thinks is rite and then regret it if its wrong. dont make no difference to me. i'm just a mumbling idiot who talks weird so that i dont think abt other 'things'. is my jaaliness the answer to all? for the questions that circle around r far more. if this keeps on, i mite just become a psycotic serial killer who kills for cereal boxes :
these r the last days in riyadh.. this place.. this flat.. i was born and raised here.. well actually i was born in a hospital that khajoors demolished 7-8 years laters :\ however my life was here.. watever that went passed here.. i will miss it.. if not remember all of it in my life to come.. but i will have some numbered memories of it.... and even those that i wud like to forget.

gdi and devil gona be here no 30th june.. looking forward to that day.. havent met em in over a year.. i wonder if the whole group is gona ever get together some day or not.

every light that shines... casts a shadow somewhere...

yesterday's dinner at Y ch's place was good. i was suppose to 'miss' that dinner, but couldn't do it. goin to riyadh rite now. flite at 11:30am. like :s its no big deal anymore, getting a ticket and all, as if goin to hydery for the weekend and mamu's place.. well at mamu;s place ive got things to do, riyadh, its plain boring. oh well packing it is then... dekhtay hain kiya hota hay.

she looked so nice yesterday.. sigh.. may be riyadh is wat i need rite now, break from pakiland...

the more u want.. the more its pushed far. pushed far till it fades away. fades but leaves traces. traces but dont lead to its origins. origin with a destination written for no one to change. change is always for the best. best is the life u want. wat u want is always more than u need. the more u want...

*DELETED*

i see happiness in her face... she waited quite long enuff for this. i wont pray and curse it, let things just be. 'K'

i'm my worst enemy! save me from my self. free me from my self. death isnt the solution...

words to mind maketh no sense, shadow at hind taketh no resemblence

y ask me questions that i dont have answers to? y think of thoughts that tend to submerge me to numbness? reverting to lost ways? trying to find identity to shadows that lurk behind? y cant i just think straight? y cant i just let things go? my 'fake-ness' has the upper hand, may be its better that way?

i cough and it feels as if my lungs gona pop out or pop up inside :\

decending to splitting ways, corridors of life, leading one to another. door, exit from one place or entrance to another... doesnt matter cant find a door anyways. going around in circles. lol, gona end up 'dai ja vue'ing a 'dai ja vue'

electrical machines tomorrow, i hope it goes good. atleast break the decendence order :S

The Reason- Hoobstank

splitting into multiplicity of me...
it never did end did it? right to one is wrong to another, its just how u think abt it. a way of living to one may be end of life to another. so who decides good or bad?

"zindagi ka koi maqsad mila?" (M-H) i still havent have i? third time ive been asked that and still... y is it so hard? simple question but no simple answer. atleast i dont have it for me.

hurt ur self more so that nothin hurts u more, disgrace ur self more so that nothin else can disgrace u more. love ur self more so that u dont need any more love. thats a good thing rite? blaah! nohtin is good. everything seems to blow up at ur face. and damn u Abrar Baig for being such prick of a teacher.(dig)

so i still want to see my self sitting there. but i cant. i cudnt. never was meant to. i always ignored it so its better this way :) aint it. everyone happy happy :) even that bitch aj.ph.

drinking all that coffee... high on caffine... did make me feel good? it didnt make me feel bad either, apart from my week body that is... but thats another issue. caffine actually felt good :\ but still, week body will make me end up in the wrong hereafter...

mom coming on 23rd, dad around early june. hoping for the best...

next paper network on thursday :S

those days when love seemed to be so seemless, lust was it all? cant be sure... still havent figured love out yet. if love was it all, then heart broken i was more than once. why do they all seem to vanish into thin air? why do they depart without a signal?

we r given the power to think for our selves, make choices, learn from wat we see. learn we do, but the hard way. fire doent burn till it actually gives u a burn.

time heels all wounds... but wat abt the wounds that time gave?

lol i'm suppose to be doin electronics :\ dunno y i keep blogging here :s

turn away dont go that way
burn away dont go that way

torn thru my soul has these words of hatred, born i was this way, changed i have on every tear.

dont know wat to write... gone blank.. have been trying to study.. but this flu thingy.. or watever its called is making me feel weird. all i wana do is sit.. sick of lying down too :\ sick of being sick.. hell sick of everything :\ examz havnt even started yet and i'm already sick of em :| parents r coming to khi.. dunno wats gona happen... hoping for the best for all.. a days' life it is...

STOP!

i was depressed abt regrets i have abt life... so i stopped coffee b4 i had an addition to my regrets list, a regret that i may had to live with or wud had died for.

i got fedup with the way things were goin.. day in day out... everynite same crap over and over again. this led me to depression. this depression led me to dangerous ways. remorse of my past, i lost track of present. things that were around me. during this month, i became double the shit head that i was b4 :\ thinking abt life, thinking abt tomorrow led me no where. coffee that i started so i cud get away from it all, has made me weak. its made me insomic. hell i made my self insomic. my throat hurts, my ears seem inflated, my kidneys kinda hurt. the only sleep i am getting is when i am feverish which by they way i am getting more n more these days. everything seems crapy to me. i look at anything and i start cussing at it. may it be living or non living. i came close to messing up somone's face bad more than once. either i am not talking at all or i am cussing. dont even realize who i'm talking to unitl its too late.

the ways things are goin, the way i am acting... i think i dont give a damn abt anything. if i dont care wat happens to me, then y wud someone else wana care? and the ppl who do care i dont seem to be listening to em. ppl have to much shit of their own to take care of, then to worry abt otheres. everything changes with time, so have i. but i havent changed for the best.

today at the viva i cud had studied for each and every question teacher asked me. hell i had everything. books, net, notes.. but still... i need a 3.5+ gpa this semester to get back in the game. dad pays for everything.. every single thing i spend on. i see ppl working and studying the same time, coz they cant afford it. everyone wants wats their, everyone wants wat they pay for. so i better show a better result. or i shud start working. either case someting has to change. with all those changes, more change wont hurt.

Life cant hurt me no more

Listening to Distrubed - Darkness

and i am still making the project :\

i saw the car coming... i saw the bike coming... and still i stepped down from the pavement.. still i crossed the road. didnt give a damn abt anything. if not me, i cud had killed those two... fuck! ive become a hazard to society.

first they dont teach us anything in the class.. then they take vivas as if we'r born with a "Electrical Machines" - P.C. Sen book :\ then they curse us for not paying attention in the class.. like fuck u. then they get pissed off when u lay down the facts to them. i am happy abt the clash thingy at uni yesterday.

wonder y ppl dont listen when u tell em nicely :\ one of these days someone gona get screwed up. may be more screwed up then they actaully deserve :S people... stay the hell away from me.... i mite bite!

I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. :)

SHUTUP!! DONT TALK TO ME!!!

THIS CRAP WILL KILL MEE :)

silence in midst of a storm

wat am i? a reason, season or a life time...

light shows u the way. light gives u the insight. light rules when darkness prevails. light up and beyond. light deep within. but wat if ur eyes cant take the light? wat if the light makes ur eyes close? u cant make ur way thru with ur eyes closed, can u? wat if its darkness that calms u down?

YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY I AM HHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

last nite was crapy :S crapity crapity crap crap.. my crap.. mine... all mineeee.... :)

fuckn SOBs.. and to say they call them selves teacehers. its them who screwed with us in the first place.. then they take it down on us by taking out 10-15 marks for no reason :@ whole class's GPA went down.. mine.. 2.99 :@@ all i can say is i pray to GOD jo unho nay hamaray saath kyia.. woh un kay saath bhi ho :@ yes i am bad-duaing.. SUE ME!

when nothins goin right then wats the point of optimissim.. fuck life! i'm getting high!

EXILED!! :@

huston we have another problem :S whenever my mouth opens.. i either end up pissing someone off.. or dissing someone bad :S it just happens.. i can help it.. and all for no reason. oh Juzer! where art thou.

when i used to be online most of the time.. dad used to get pissed. when i'm not online these days.. hes still pissed :\ like damn if u do and damn if u dont. my last semester result was late. i told him i passed and he replys me by saying that i'm hiding my 'real' result from him :@ like.. if he wasnt my dad, i wud had replyed him with a cuss-mail :@ damn :S i need to control this mouth of mine. either i dont talk at all.. or i start cussing at somehting :S dementedly disturbed :)

sorry to all the ppl i dont talk to when they want me to talk.. sorry to all the ppl who i dissed coz they made me talk,.. sorry to all the ppl who i cussed at for no reason :\

make sense damit :S
no one wants to hear crap... so its mine... all mineeee... :)

i wont have coffee today morning.... coz am still high from the last nite one :)

just when i was cutting down on it i flipped :\ :$ oh well.. live for the moment.. :) let fate take its way.. let life unfold for it self.. i'll just tip toe behind it :)

two classes of digital electronics.. LOL that guy cant teach even in 4 classes.. phir kehta hay shoor nahi karo nahi tou class choor donga.. class may lecture day kar konsa teer mar raha hay :S dont know where they get these kinda teachers :@ i just pray he doesnt mettle with me.. coz i'll give him a piece of my mind :@ watevers left of it :
wat i need to do is think b4 i leap :S ive been cussing and dissing alot.. :( ive become a bad person, in the process ive been mean to good ppl too. am fucked up, no need to screw other ppl rite :S

i used to be so creative.. drawing.. ahh drawing, used to that alot.. ive still got those drawing pencils and colors and stuff.. no one uses em anymore.. :\ hell i cant hold a pencil rite anymore :S freakn life.. freakn me.. bad me.. demented me.. crapy me... me me me.. mine... all mineeee

when ur hands are shaking and head is spinning then... huston we have a problem!

yyyaaaaayyyyyyyyy i flunked the network II test :D

bummer :S

y the fuck i bother coming online when am just gona sit there and stare... fuck it am out :S

I pray for words to my mind... I pray for a Shadow at hind

Din tou beet gaiy... yaadien kyoun choor gaiy?
zakhm tou bhar gaiy... nishaan kyoun choor gaiy?

half those things are most unlikely.. but the thought counts rite... EC/T

yesterday i cut down on coffee... today i was back to getting high on it.. i think i still am :S

can words really tell things abt a person? wat if i pasted lines from a shakespear play thingy.. wud that make me from his time?

my parents think i smoke.. my sis thinks ive joined some gang or something.. nanyal ppl think i am a ladies man and have dozens of gfs and go on dates and stuff.. dadyal ppl think ive turned against them...guys at uni think that my supposedly bachi ran off with someone... guys at hydery think i am a good dancer and goto dance parties....ppl at irc think i am a 12 year old... like wat the FUCK :S no one fucking knows me.. or does anyone? :\ oh well lets just let em think watever that pleases em. who gives a damn.

i didnt have coffee tonite.. but i am still up :\ ive been running around everywhere whole day.. but still

i can goto extreme lengths.. but my body wasnt made for it. sure i look rough n tuff.. but am not. i shud stop b4 it gives in.

finals in one month. dont know shit after midterms. all teachers manage to do is piss me off :/

my crap... mine... all mineeee :)

i cant belive am living this life... y did i go this way... i need to take this knife... and put it away...

ive become so rude... there is just too much anger and rage trapped inside me.. but i am taking it out on wrong ppl. seedhay moo baat nahi karta.. cussing at ppl for no apparent reason. abusing in every second line that comes outa my mouth. i thnk i shud stop talking till things get back to normal.. watever that is :S

fate... how is a murderer a murderer when it was in his fate to be one? he cudnt had helped it.. it was how it was meant to be.. if its all already written, then y bother and pray for something to happen.. if its gona its gona.. if not.. then it just wont. so is it just better not to pray for somehting soo much that if its not in ur fate, u'll get heartbroken when it doesnt happen. i am not making any freakn sense.. .

today totall khuwari day.. everything that i was suppose to do... ppl i was suppose to meet.. either they didnt show up or i got late in traffic :S from 11 in the morn to 7 evenin.. :S

true... its always easier to blame other ppl then look into ur own. we always look for somethign to blame when things go wrong. but its this thing, how even the guilty ppl get away with it.. all they got to say is apni ghalti kabhi na manna..

i better stop b4 it kills me :S

CHEEERRRSSS!!!

barsaat si zindagi... garji, barsi, khatam hui...

i got 3 projects pending, one assignment and two tests :\ dont these teachers have anything better to do :S ok i dont have anything better to do either :
'kuttay ki maut marjaiy ga' LOL come to think of it.. he is rite though... the way i am goin it mite just happen... hoti rahay subah.. hoti rahay shaam... waqt ka kaam hay beetna, so beet jaiy gee zindagi.

basically i just went to visit Nani.. but incidently mami had a women gathering thingy.. so almost whole khandaan was there.. i wasnt in mood to tackle them all though..

"ammi abbu nathi tou hamnaij karvu parsay" FUCK YOU!! i dont want anyones pitty.. feeling sorry for me coz my parents aint here at my birthday.. no big deal.. ive got no problem with it.. then y the fuck do they? didnt feel like celebrating. lol didnt even taste the damn cake. thngs u got to do so that ppl dont talk back at u or ur family..

from dad's email it seems they had more fun celebrating my birthday

went to Damascus with coz's frnds.. i felt so old with them.. the nearest guy my age was 18.. not much of an age difference but still.. they were doin wat i did when i was 18... same messing around thingys.. i had that flavoured huqqa thingy (mixed fruit and strawberry).. kinda cool.. although am asthemic.. but who gives a damn :) like smoking that thing was so natural to me.. i think i am a natural smoker :)

the whole day i had no coffee.. but i cudnt stay away from it.. so i ended up having two cups of freshly brewed coffee at Damascus :\ Muffi had a lil taste... lol poora hill gaya..

i made my birthday enjoyable to everyone.. family and frnds.. mera bass chalta tou bhaag jata waha say.. but wasnt actually possible.

so the bottom line... 14th safar 1425 was a day that most ppl will remember as one of the best enjoyed day... but for me..... ahh! who cares wat i thnk.. fuck me :)

14th Safar... am 21 today. ppl say i need to act more my age... quit acting insane and stuff.. being serious got me no where.. so why go that way?

these blisters under my feet are not of stone n thorn, but of shattered dreams that lay scattered on path

14 of every month is a full moon... mooon.. agar chand itna khoobsorat hay, tou tanha kyoun?

havnt visited Nani in a long time... abt time iwent there........
my lower back hurts :S wonder wats wrong....
there are alot of shoulders to cry on... now all i need r tears!

happy birthday to me.. another year down till the end!

awake since 6am yesterday morning :) i tried sleeping after i came home from uni, but.... well... i cudnt sleep.. my eyes just wudnt close.

y do i wana hurt my self... may be so that no one else can hurt me. inflect more pain in my self so that all other pain seem like a needle prick. i cudnt get my priorities in order. i cudnt find an aim in life.. i cudnt find a path for life... mite as well 'live' the day and get it over with. the hell with kal ho na ho. i shud atleast start living my day's life. aint even doin that.

i shud open more to others. but first i need to open up to my self. there things deep inside that have been there a long time. may be they r there to be forgotten with time. time heels all. but time waits for none :\all wounds of flesh heel with time, but they still leave a mark. guess wounds were never meant to fully go away.

"u said call em, not me. so ur saying ur not my frnd" (charmzZz) wonder wat ppl have in their minds for the defination of 'frnd' well ive lost the defination of frndship. ur suppose to tell everything to ur frnds.. better get buddy buddy with my inner self first.. sometimes i simply despise my self.. of wat i do.. of wat i am.. of wat ive become. i told my coz to back off from coffee.. not even one snip. who am i to do that.. am having coffee like hell.. y cant he.. may be coz its bad for him. may be he cant handle it. but can i? its bad for me.. but it feels so good for a while.. not a thought in mind. just no thoughts.. no one can understand that. but still that much cafine will kill me for sure. aint afraid of death.. but in no mood to do anything suicidal either.


leave thy feelings at bay, for this world has no space for emotions

lol.. sleepign well while feverish.. i thought i cud get away with it again :P but i ended up not sleeping at all... oh well jaha itni sari raatien.. us may aik aur sahee.. mujhe uni nahi jana :S.. but then again ive got nothin to do here.. kam say kam attendence tou ho jaiy gee :D