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Random Thoughts...: 02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004

 

Friday, February 27, 2004

when u pray for something so much n it just doesnt work out.. when this happens more than once.. or twice.. then u wonder if ur praying that much was a curse.. cursing something by praying for it.. doens tmake sense.. then again neither am i making any sense these days..went to uni after two days.. came back from uni after just 1.5 classes.. the teacher just wasnt making any sense..

stare i shall at time.. as it passes by.. wonder i shall as tides go by.. echo will those goodbyes that i heard in years that passed.. living in the past... with a lost present.. with no tomorrow that i see..

i got the get my priorities in order.. b4 i loose that i have.. in remorse of wat i lost..

lost r the days of joy... lost r the days of innocence.. lost r the ppl i knew.. lost is the time i had.. lost is the morning i saw.. lost i am... lost i am...

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

dizzy i am... fall i shall not... hurt i am... feel i shall not.. numb i am... think i shall not.. pain i shall... remorse i shall not.. remember i shall.. forget i shall not.. look i shall.. see i shall not.. walk i shall.. find i shall not.. dizzy i am...
reading old logs, i get insane at times.. never have seized to amaze my self. computer.. something that has always made me feel better.. but, its a machine. am i taking refuge at a machine? seems so.. am goin wrong ways.. dissing teachers.. fooling around in class.... havent really studied since the semister has started.. i cant think.. i cant study.. i cant sleep.. i cant talk.. :S wat the fucks wrong with me. timeout!

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

laughing by day.. dying by nite...
"thanx jaali.. u made me feel better" wat a fake i am, dont know wat i want.. n am helping ppl think out their thoughts.
msn, irc.. all crap.. running away from life.. taking refuge in some cyber world.. cyber phreaq...

'waqaiy jaali hee hay tu' yep.. absolutely fake.. wat goes on in my mind? someitmes i dont know.. then how can they?
have to cut down on coffee.. b4 i die of liver faliure..

Sunday, February 22, 2004

dying from inside... is that wats happening to me? tired like helll nstill cant sleep? sitting there n doin nothin.. lost all flavour in life.. pathetic lil being aint i..

be optimestic.. like how.. when uve got nothjing to live for.. cant find no aim... fuck:S i dont know wat i wana write.. fuck this net.. its got me addicted
dying from inside... is that wats happening to me? tired like helll nstill cant sleep? sitting there n doin nothin.. lost all flavour in life.. pathetic lil being aint i..

be optimestic.. like how.. when uve got nothjing to live for.. cant find no aim... fuck:S i dont know wat i wana write..

Friday, February 20, 2004

its morning already :\ i was dead tired.. still didnt sleep at all.. turning all nite, hoping to fall asleep. y cant i sleep? :S computer always seems to calm me.. wat a freak i am :S my brain seems to have shut down these days, cant think of any sane thoughts, cant seem to study.. i try... but still :\

my heart has gone stone, regrets, hatred, anger, pain... had too much of everything. all cramped up. now i dont think from the heart.. reasons.. need reasons for everything these days.. even a reason to love...

"ur a very nice guy... u must have a gf" yeah sure.. i wish, i dont want someone else to get confused with me.. y do ppl think that am the same guy in real life that i am in my cyber life?

surrounded by alot of ppl, still i feel alone. may be coz i am alone? or may be i think i am alone. one wish i got, that there wud be thousands at my funeral, but then again y leave all those ppl sad. i think i'll die one day, ppl wont even notice. death, today tomorrow, dont seem to make any difference to me... not that i led an angelic life, being pious in my day to day life. but still, aint afraid of it, nor do i have any duty to my family.

na manzil na rah... chalu may kaha? dhoondu may kiya?<

Thursday, February 19, 2004

sea.. beautiful thing... and is as mystical. so much water still u can die of thirst.. look at it for hours, but stil wont get bored. i sat there for a long time. cudnt take the racket back there. whilst everyone was dancing abt, i sat there. looking at the sea. i thought this was a good time as any to have a look at my life.. wheres its leading to... where its gona end up.. where do i wana end it up.. :\ thoughts didnt lead to any results. guess am back to where i started.. wandering aimless

its funny how i kid around abt death.. some ppl r afraid outa there minds when it comes to death. but me... :S

"tujhe tou zindagi may tafree chahaiy. tu ussi may khush rahay ga" (darhi) little did he know.. tafree that others see.. is just a way to get my mind off reality for me :\

tired from the day... may be i'll sleep better tonite.. i hope so... coz pills aint the answer to this :S

Sunday, February 15, 2004

not enuff sleep. woke up with a fright, thought i heard soemthign. heard a sound from the past..i looked around but there was no one... no one was home but me. doesnt matter if they r there either. tears.. have seen em.. but ive forgotten how it felt to cry. been a long long time since a single tear rolled down my cheeks. am i stone hearted?

changes is wat i need.. or so ppl tell me. but y.. i cant see no tomorrow, then wat shud i change for?

Saturday, February 14, 2004

ahhh.. coffee... seems my coffee is getting bitter week by week. doesnt taste bitter any more, sweetness of bitter coffee. everynite i have coffee.. is it coz i dont wana sleep or is it i need to work at nite, thought daytime was for working. sleep during the day.. stay awake thru the nite. thats how life is for me. these days cant even sleep during the day. something keeps bugging me. just wana drive my self to the limit so that am dead as soon as i lay down. no thoughts, no worrys, just sleep, 2-3 hours.. more is good. then its this roaster out side with a messed up internal clock :s

its valentines day.. yaay for all the lovers out there. they say love gives u wings.. but wat abt those who gave their lives in the name of love... joke of the day became a burden of life.. lucky all i had was a crush years ago.. but memories.. never cud forget those days. days.. days go by.. never seem to stop. stop has my life, lost its way. wats days to bring me? dont know dont care.. living a day's life.. a day with no morning no evening .. just hours.. hours and deadlines. deadlines with responsiblities..

Friday, February 13, 2004

never was into writing diary n stuff.. but wat they hey.. always a first time for everyhting.. have a test tomorrow.. dont feel like preparing for it... from rock bands to slow songs, wat am i listening to? am in pain? am i lost? didnt have anything to begin with, or did i but never saw it. confusion... ppl say i confuse them, but isnt it me who is confused? playing with a human mind can be fun but playing with emotions thats just plain cruel.

memories.. cant we just wipe the ones we dont want n keep wat we want.. lost in these memories.. argh! wat do i look for in those faces? wat isnt the real question.. its who.. who am i looking for.. y do i run away from em when i want em so much. running away from my self, running away from reality, may be thats y i talk weird... insane at time. the only way i can break thru those thoughts n not think at all. but do i? can i? most ppl thnk am stupid.. dont thnk.. dont care abt things..

ppl came.. they talked... they felt good tlaking to me.. then yd they leave? was it me.. was it them.. was i that much of a pest.. was i too insane? dont know.. dont care.. or do i?