:D

a person born blind, wud he/she dream at nite?

wat exactly am i doin still up this late? :/ sheesh i wont get any sleep till i'm sick, will i :S this sucks.. this sucks bad :(

LEECHES! blood sucking leeches, thats what they are! parasites that live, feeding on others. they sucked everything out for such a long time and still they want more :S if it were upto me i wud had disowned em a long time ago.

its kinda ironic, more like pathetic that i cant pray for someones long life or pray for someone coz it seems all my prayers ever do, is curse the whole situation :) sometimes i hate my self for that :/

so y am i writing all this? coz.. well.. i cant find a good enuff reason for it at the moment.. so i'll get back on it later :/

happiness doesnt come from a day or an occassion. it comes from within...

:)

its pathetic when a complete stranger asks u for advice abt their relationship. lol and wats even more pathetic is asking me abt it :P ive seen enuff crushes, ive seen enuff ppl fall in 'love' and then topple into a ditch so far down, that they dont know wats day light any more. ive seen enuff relationships break and some to an extend of never talking to each other. hell ive seen a person commit suicide all in the name of 'love' ....so heres wat i think, screw love :S if ur in love with someone be enuff a person to actaully tell that person how u feel. if u cant do that, go to the lake and fish, atleast u'll be having some fun. and if ur in a relationship, get freakn engaged if ur that serious abt it :S ohh i'm mad abt him, oohh she drives me crazy, ohh i miss him/her soo much.. a spark, and poof.. oh hes a SOB, oh that bitch!

oh so u dont agree with me? does it look i give a F? MY RANDOM THOUGHTS! minee.. all mineeee!!

fkd up crap! y do ppl have to be such shit heads? blah! dont they have enuff goin on :S

fuckn crap :S like is a "good nite's" sleep too much to ask for? :(

some things dont go away... some ppl dont go away. phir kiya kiya jaiy :\ may be i shud go away :)

atay ko tokna nahi, jatay ko rokna nahi... :)

was it ever to work out? is it better this way, or is this another 'phase'? time will tell...

u show some concern and they reply back in a fucked up manner :\ well.. fuck u! aint got time for shit. u can keep ur crap to ur self then!

the things is, there r ppl out there with problems bigger and more serious then mine.. so shut the fuck up!

and yeah, i feel like crap :)

dunya may gham dainay bohat hain.. dunya may ghussa dilanay walay bohat hain.. magar dunya may hansanay walay kitnay hain? agar hain, tou kiya unhay koi gham nahi? unhain koi ghussa nahi?

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Very High
Schizoid:	Very High
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

:)

i feel like crap, both physically and mentally.. :) and i keep telling my self, its all gona pass by, one day i will turn back and laugh at it all... either that or death will become me before these days go by :)

as soon as u think its all past now. uve moved on, something outa the blue slaps u back. guess happy ending isnt meant for all characters...

note to self: never sit idle.. never.. :
cant always be doin something.. now can i.. insaan hoon may bhi.. kiya kiya jaiy ?
either this coffee aint real, or i cant get high anymore :/

kiya hoga mera?

how do u know if this isnt the real me? i wish i cud turn off my thoughts. i wish i cud change the past. i wish i had a aim. i wish i had answer to simplest of questions. i wish i had all that, that was supposedly mine. if wishes were to come true, then they wudnt be wished wud they... that wud be wat we call fate.. getting wat is urs.

hazaro may tanhaiy ka alam?

ello bloggy.... atleast i cant hurt u or piss u off :) i shudnt had replied :( i'm a bad person. taking out something that wasnt intended for anyone at all. saying sorry doesnt cut it, does it?

lol i cant even get high anymore... or watever that feeling was. kehtay hain jo ziyada hasta hay woh rota bhi ziyada hay.. hasna tou ho gaya.. dil say na sahee.. magar hasee tou hay na. now all i need r tears. just something inside that needs to be set free.

searching for a face that doesnt exist anymore, atleast not for me... everytime i see her, i break to pieces and still i have a smile on my face. during the day, its jojo the jester... have i any other choice?

some simple questions:
Q1- whos my role model
ans- no one

Q2- wats my aim in life
ans- dont know

Q3- have i made a difference in anyones life
ans- no

Q4- number ppl died after wat i said
ans- 1

Q5- will i ever become 'asli'
ans- the day i die

wana curse something so that it never happens.. contact me n i'll pray for it, hotay huay bhi nahi hoga :) koi kuch dua karnay ko kehta hay.. i just try to forget abt it. kyoun kisi ki qismat ko thokar maroon.

i wish i cud leave khi. i wish this life wud just end....

when will it stop.. when will it go away? wats the end to it all? death may be.. death is inevitible..

just drop everything. thinking and trying to take action is no good..

away.........

dont expect anythign from me.. fuck off everyone..its for ur own good..

and so i'm back in pakiland... out of riyadh for good... they say home is where heart is, i dont know where my heart is.. so that means i have no home... till my heart finds a place, let 'home' be a pending dilema...

cheers...
no its not coffee.. its Holsten :> like i forgot how much i like this thing.. i'm gona miss it though.

its weird how dad seems to get pissed off at just abt everything ive got to say in 'official' matters. i dont say anything wrong, but it seems all wrong to him. well from now on i aint saying anything. he can do watever he thinks is rite and then regret it if its wrong. dont make no difference to me. i'm just a mumbling idiot who talks weird so that i dont think abt other 'things'. is my jaaliness the answer to all? for the questions that circle around r far more. if this keeps on, i mite just become a psycotic serial killer who kills for cereal boxes :
these r the last days in riyadh.. this place.. this flat.. i was born and raised here.. well actually i was born in a hospital that khajoors demolished 7-8 years laters :\ however my life was here.. watever that went passed here.. i will miss it.. if not remember all of it in my life to come.. but i will have some numbered memories of it.... and even those that i wud like to forget.

gdi and devil gona be here no 30th june.. looking forward to that day.. havent met em in over a year.. i wonder if the whole group is gona ever get together some day or not.

every light that shines... casts a shadow somewhere...

yesterday's dinner at Y ch's place was good. i was suppose to 'miss' that dinner, but couldn't do it. goin to riyadh rite now. flite at 11:30am. like :s its no big deal anymore, getting a ticket and all, as if goin to hydery for the weekend and mamu's place.. well at mamu;s place ive got things to do, riyadh, its plain boring. oh well packing it is then... dekhtay hain kiya hota hay.

she looked so nice yesterday.. sigh.. may be riyadh is wat i need rite now, break from pakiland...

the more u want.. the more its pushed far. pushed far till it fades away. fades but leaves traces. traces but dont lead to its origins. origin with a destination written for no one to change. change is always for the best. best is the life u want. wat u want is always more than u need. the more u want...

*DELETED*

i see happiness in her face... she waited quite long enuff for this. i wont pray and curse it, let things just be. 'K'

i'm my worst enemy! save me from my self. free me from my self. death isnt the solution...

words to mind maketh no sense, shadow at hind taketh no resemblence

y ask me questions that i dont have answers to? y think of thoughts that tend to submerge me to numbness? reverting to lost ways? trying to find identity to shadows that lurk behind? y cant i just think straight? y cant i just let things go? my 'fake-ness' has the upper hand, may be its better that way?

i cough and it feels as if my lungs gona pop out or pop up inside :\

decending to splitting ways, corridors of life, leading one to another. door, exit from one place or entrance to another... doesnt matter cant find a door anyways. going around in circles. lol, gona end up 'dai ja vue'ing a 'dai ja vue'

electrical machines tomorrow, i hope it goes good. atleast break the decendence order :S

The Reason- Hoobstank

splitting into multiplicity of me...
it never did end did it? right to one is wrong to another, its just how u think abt it. a way of living to one may be end of life to another. so who decides good or bad?

"zindagi ka koi maqsad mila?" (M-H) i still havent have i? third time ive been asked that and still... y is it so hard? simple question but no simple answer. atleast i dont have it for me.

hurt ur self more so that nothin hurts u more, disgrace ur self more so that nothin else can disgrace u more. love ur self more so that u dont need any more love. thats a good thing rite? blaah! nohtin is good. everything seems to blow up at ur face. and damn u Abrar Baig for being such prick of a teacher.(dig)

so i still want to see my self sitting there. but i cant. i cudnt. never was meant to. i always ignored it so its better this way :) aint it. everyone happy happy :) even that bitch aj.ph.

drinking all that coffee... high on caffine... did make me feel good? it didnt make me feel bad either, apart from my week body that is... but thats another issue. caffine actually felt good :\ but still, week body will make me end up in the wrong hereafter...

mom coming on 23rd, dad around early june. hoping for the best...

next paper network on thursday :S

those days when love seemed to be so seemless, lust was it all? cant be sure... still havent figured love out yet. if love was it all, then heart broken i was more than once. why do they all seem to vanish into thin air? why do they depart without a signal?

we r given the power to think for our selves, make choices, learn from wat we see. learn we do, but the hard way. fire doent burn till it actually gives u a burn.

time heels all wounds... but wat abt the wounds that time gave?

lol i'm suppose to be doin electronics :\ dunno y i keep blogging here :s

turn away dont go that way
burn away dont go that way

torn thru my soul has these words of hatred, born i was this way, changed i have on every tear.

dont know wat to write... gone blank.. have been trying to study.. but this flu thingy.. or watever its called is making me feel weird. all i wana do is sit.. sick of lying down too :\ sick of being sick.. hell sick of everything :\ examz havnt even started yet and i'm already sick of em :| parents r coming to khi.. dunno wats gona happen... hoping for the best for all.. a days' life it is...

STOP!

i was depressed abt regrets i have abt life... so i stopped coffee b4 i had an addition to my regrets list, a regret that i may had to live with or wud had died for.

i got fedup with the way things were goin.. day in day out... everynite same crap over and over again. this led me to depression. this depression led me to dangerous ways. remorse of my past, i lost track of present. things that were around me. during this month, i became double the shit head that i was b4 :\ thinking abt life, thinking abt tomorrow led me no where. coffee that i started so i cud get away from it all, has made me weak. its made me insomic. hell i made my self insomic. my throat hurts, my ears seem inflated, my kidneys kinda hurt. the only sleep i am getting is when i am feverish which by they way i am getting more n more these days. everything seems crapy to me. i look at anything and i start cussing at it. may it be living or non living. i came close to messing up somone's face bad more than once. either i am not talking at all or i am cussing. dont even realize who i'm talking to unitl its too late.

the ways things are goin, the way i am acting... i think i dont give a damn abt anything. if i dont care wat happens to me, then y wud someone else wana care? and the ppl who do care i dont seem to be listening to em. ppl have to much shit of their own to take care of, then to worry abt otheres. everything changes with time, so have i. but i havent changed for the best.

today at the viva i cud had studied for each and every question teacher asked me. hell i had everything. books, net, notes.. but still... i need a 3.5+ gpa this semester to get back in the game. dad pays for everything.. every single thing i spend on. i see ppl working and studying the same time, coz they cant afford it. everyone wants wats their, everyone wants wat they pay for. so i better show a better result. or i shud start working. either case someting has to change. with all those changes, more change wont hurt.

Life cant hurt me no more

Listening to Distrubed - Darkness

and i am still making the project :\

i saw the car coming... i saw the bike coming... and still i stepped down from the pavement.. still i crossed the road. didnt give a damn abt anything. if not me, i cud had killed those two... fuck! ive become a hazard to society.

first they dont teach us anything in the class.. then they take vivas as if we'r born with a "Electrical Machines" - P.C. Sen book :\ then they curse us for not paying attention in the class.. like fuck u. then they get pissed off when u lay down the facts to them. i am happy abt the clash thingy at uni yesterday.

wonder y ppl dont listen when u tell em nicely :\ one of these days someone gona get screwed up. may be more screwed up then they actaully deserve :S people... stay the hell away from me.... i mite bite!

I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. :)

SHUTUP!! DONT TALK TO ME!!!

THIS CRAP WILL KILL MEE :)

silence in midst of a storm

wat am i? a reason, season or a life time...

light shows u the way. light gives u the insight. light rules when darkness prevails. light up and beyond. light deep within. but wat if ur eyes cant take the light? wat if the light makes ur eyes close? u cant make ur way thru with ur eyes closed, can u? wat if its darkness that calms u down?

YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY I AM HHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

last nite was crapy :S crapity crapity crap crap.. my crap.. mine... all mineeee.... :)

fuckn SOBs.. and to say they call them selves teacehers. its them who screwed with us in the first place.. then they take it down on us by taking out 10-15 marks for no reason :@ whole class's GPA went down.. mine.. 2.99 :@@ all i can say is i pray to GOD jo unho nay hamaray saath kyia.. woh un kay saath bhi ho :@ yes i am bad-duaing.. SUE ME!

when nothins goin right then wats the point of optimissim.. fuck life! i'm getting high!

EXILED!! :@

huston we have another problem :S whenever my mouth opens.. i either end up pissing someone off.. or dissing someone bad :S it just happens.. i can help it.. and all for no reason. oh Juzer! where art thou.

when i used to be online most of the time.. dad used to get pissed. when i'm not online these days.. hes still pissed :\ like damn if u do and damn if u dont. my last semester result was late. i told him i passed and he replys me by saying that i'm hiding my 'real' result from him :@ like.. if he wasnt my dad, i wud had replyed him with a cuss-mail :@ damn :S i need to control this mouth of mine. either i dont talk at all.. or i start cussing at somehting :S dementedly disturbed :)

sorry to all the ppl i dont talk to when they want me to talk.. sorry to all the ppl who i dissed coz they made me talk,.. sorry to all the ppl who i cussed at for no reason :\

make sense damit :S
no one wants to hear crap... so its mine... all mineeee... :)

i wont have coffee today morning.... coz am still high from the last nite one :)

just when i was cutting down on it i flipped :\ :$ oh well.. live for the moment.. :) let fate take its way.. let life unfold for it self.. i'll just tip toe behind it :)

two classes of digital electronics.. LOL that guy cant teach even in 4 classes.. phir kehta hay shoor nahi karo nahi tou class choor donga.. class may lecture day kar konsa teer mar raha hay :S dont know where they get these kinda teachers :@ i just pray he doesnt mettle with me.. coz i'll give him a piece of my mind :@ watevers left of it :
wat i need to do is think b4 i leap :S ive been cussing and dissing alot.. :( ive become a bad person, in the process ive been mean to good ppl too. am fucked up, no need to screw other ppl rite :S

i used to be so creative.. drawing.. ahh drawing, used to that alot.. ive still got those drawing pencils and colors and stuff.. no one uses em anymore.. :\ hell i cant hold a pencil rite anymore :S freakn life.. freakn me.. bad me.. demented me.. crapy me... me me me.. mine... all mineeee

when ur hands are shaking and head is spinning then... huston we have a problem!

yyyaaaaayyyyyyyyy i flunked the network II test :D

bummer :S

y the fuck i bother coming online when am just gona sit there and stare... fuck it am out :S

I pray for words to my mind... I pray for a Shadow at hind

Din tou beet gaiy... yaadien kyoun choor gaiy?
zakhm tou bhar gaiy... nishaan kyoun choor gaiy?

half those things are most unlikely.. but the thought counts rite... EC/T

yesterday i cut down on coffee... today i was back to getting high on it.. i think i still am :S

can words really tell things abt a person? wat if i pasted lines from a shakespear play thingy.. wud that make me from his time?

my parents think i smoke.. my sis thinks ive joined some gang or something.. nanyal ppl think i am a ladies man and have dozens of gfs and go on dates and stuff.. dadyal ppl think ive turned against them...guys at uni think that my supposedly bachi ran off with someone... guys at hydery think i am a good dancer and goto dance parties....ppl at irc think i am a 12 year old... like wat the FUCK :S no one fucking knows me.. or does anyone? :\ oh well lets just let em think watever that pleases em. who gives a damn.

i didnt have coffee tonite.. but i am still up :\ ive been running around everywhere whole day.. but still

i can goto extreme lengths.. but my body wasnt made for it. sure i look rough n tuff.. but am not. i shud stop b4 it gives in.

finals in one month. dont know shit after midterms. all teachers manage to do is piss me off :/

my crap... mine... all mineeee :)

i cant belive am living this life... y did i go this way... i need to take this knife... and put it away...

ive become so rude... there is just too much anger and rage trapped inside me.. but i am taking it out on wrong ppl. seedhay moo baat nahi karta.. cussing at ppl for no apparent reason. abusing in every second line that comes outa my mouth. i thnk i shud stop talking till things get back to normal.. watever that is :S

fate... how is a murderer a murderer when it was in his fate to be one? he cudnt had helped it.. it was how it was meant to be.. if its all already written, then y bother and pray for something to happen.. if its gona its gona.. if not.. then it just wont. so is it just better not to pray for somehting soo much that if its not in ur fate, u'll get heartbroken when it doesnt happen. i am not making any freakn sense.. .

today totall khuwari day.. everything that i was suppose to do... ppl i was suppose to meet.. either they didnt show up or i got late in traffic :S from 11 in the morn to 7 evenin.. :S

true... its always easier to blame other ppl then look into ur own. we always look for somethign to blame when things go wrong. but its this thing, how even the guilty ppl get away with it.. all they got to say is apni ghalti kabhi na manna..

i better stop b4 it kills me :S

CHEEERRRSSS!!!

barsaat si zindagi... garji, barsi, khatam hui...

i got 3 projects pending, one assignment and two tests :\ dont these teachers have anything better to do :S ok i dont have anything better to do either :
'kuttay ki maut marjaiy ga' LOL come to think of it.. he is rite though... the way i am goin it mite just happen... hoti rahay subah.. hoti rahay shaam... waqt ka kaam hay beetna, so beet jaiy gee zindagi.

basically i just went to visit Nani.. but incidently mami had a women gathering thingy.. so almost whole khandaan was there.. i wasnt in mood to tackle them all though..

"ammi abbu nathi tou hamnaij karvu parsay" FUCK YOU!! i dont want anyones pitty.. feeling sorry for me coz my parents aint here at my birthday.. no big deal.. ive got no problem with it.. then y the fuck do they? didnt feel like celebrating. lol didnt even taste the damn cake. thngs u got to do so that ppl dont talk back at u or ur family..

from dad's email it seems they had more fun celebrating my birthday

went to Damascus with coz's frnds.. i felt so old with them.. the nearest guy my age was 18.. not much of an age difference but still.. they were doin wat i did when i was 18... same messing around thingys.. i had that flavoured huqqa thingy (mixed fruit and strawberry).. kinda cool.. although am asthemic.. but who gives a damn :) like smoking that thing was so natural to me.. i think i am a natural smoker :)

the whole day i had no coffee.. but i cudnt stay away from it.. so i ended up having two cups of freshly brewed coffee at Damascus :\ Muffi had a lil taste... lol poora hill gaya..

i made my birthday enjoyable to everyone.. family and frnds.. mera bass chalta tou bhaag jata waha say.. but wasnt actually possible.

so the bottom line... 14th safar 1425 was a day that most ppl will remember as one of the best enjoyed day... but for me..... ahh! who cares wat i thnk.. fuck me :)

14th Safar... am 21 today. ppl say i need to act more my age... quit acting insane and stuff.. being serious got me no where.. so why go that way?

these blisters under my feet are not of stone n thorn, but of shattered dreams that lay scattered on path

14 of every month is a full moon... mooon.. agar chand itna khoobsorat hay, tou tanha kyoun?

havnt visited Nani in a long time... abt time iwent there........
my lower back hurts :S wonder wats wrong....
there are alot of shoulders to cry on... now all i need r tears!

happy birthday to me.. another year down till the end!

awake since 6am yesterday morning :) i tried sleeping after i came home from uni, but.... well... i cudnt sleep.. my eyes just wudnt close.

y do i wana hurt my self... may be so that no one else can hurt me. inflect more pain in my self so that all other pain seem like a needle prick. i cudnt get my priorities in order. i cudnt find an aim in life.. i cudnt find a path for life... mite as well 'live' the day and get it over with. the hell with kal ho na ho. i shud atleast start living my day's life. aint even doin that.

i shud open more to others. but first i need to open up to my self. there things deep inside that have been there a long time. may be they r there to be forgotten with time. time heels all. but time waits for none :\all wounds of flesh heel with time, but they still leave a mark. guess wounds were never meant to fully go away.

"u said call em, not me. so ur saying ur not my frnd" (charmzZz) wonder wat ppl have in their minds for the defination of 'frnd' well ive lost the defination of frndship. ur suppose to tell everything to ur frnds.. better get buddy buddy with my inner self first.. sometimes i simply despise my self.. of wat i do.. of wat i am.. of wat ive become. i told my coz to back off from coffee.. not even one snip. who am i to do that.. am having coffee like hell.. y cant he.. may be coz its bad for him. may be he cant handle it. but can i? its bad for me.. but it feels so good for a while.. not a thought in mind. just no thoughts.. no one can understand that. but still that much cafine will kill me for sure. aint afraid of death.. but in no mood to do anything suicidal either.


leave thy feelings at bay, for this world has no space for emotions

lol.. sleepign well while feverish.. i thought i cud get away with it again :P but i ended up not sleeping at all... oh well jaha itni sari raatien.. us may aik aur sahee.. mujhe uni nahi jana :S.. but then again ive got nothin to do here.. kam say kam attendence tou ho jaiy gee :D

i had a fever.. atleast i slept a while :)

restless nights, fruitless days... like fuck.. life sucks :|
yesterday nite's study thingy didnt do any good. i cudnt understand a single word of it.. i'll study by my self.. well atleast its a thought..

wat started out of need.. is now an addiction.............. so wat, i dont mean the laughter i laugh.. atleast am laughing :) let me be happy to them.

b4 i came to pakiland i cudnt picture chatting hours away.. didnt have 'cable' back in riyadh, so it was check mails n free the line. but here.. its almost free. from 1/2 hour online to somtimes 16 hours online together...i got too much into it. and all i did those hours was talk weird. ppl liked that.. to them all i am a jolly guy, who wont take anything to heart.. diss him as much as u want he wont mind, coz he has no mind. thats wat they think.. they still do. to be honest i never did take anything seriously. even if i was offended i just changed the subject.. i was online for fun, so y ruin the mood rite? but wat changed all that. i never associated anything on chat to real life. didnt take down phone numebers n crap like some ppl i know. so is it that i am sick of chatting.. is it even chatting.. and y the fuck am i talking to my self :s

its abt time i replied that mail :s ive become a rude person. these days i aint taking any bull shit from anyone.. teacher of no teacher.. i see me doin nothin wrong then fuck u. i will not take any kinda crap. jaan teeli jaisi aur bharam pathar kay. they talk abt principals.. i;ll screw em with their own principals

i need to get a hair cut.. and get a shave :S y do ppl think am in love.. fuck love! aint even close to anyone to fall in love.. all my crushes seem to just go away without a good bye. LOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! PATHETIC LIL RUNT! GET A LIFE AND STOP TALKING TO UR SELF :\

'do u remember the last time u saw something that left u speechless' not much of a hard question but... like FUCK I DONT REMEMBER :s i dont remember the last time this happened.. i dont remmeber the last time i was truly happy abt something.. i dont remember shit :s

have a study nite today.. i hope i get someing in this head of mine.. one month to finals.. shit.. i dont know anyhitng.. today ppl were solving question in class.. and i was hitting ppl with a rubber band.. i didnt know wat the shit was goin on :S

i need to cut down on coffee.. or i will truly die.. like literally. my hands r shaking :s cant even write right anymore :S

talked to doomer.. was nice talking to him.. those were the good ol college days.. me, doomer, gdi, devil, awgreat.... had chalk fites.. water fites.. damn we had all sort of fites.. but at the end of the day we still left the college together...wonder when we all gona have a get together thingy...

shit am addicted to coffee... i dont have it, i end up with a bad head ache.. i have it.. and i go numb :\ numb is better :) let it all go for a while.. yes i am running away from my problems. no use in sitting there.. wats my problem anyways :
i wonder if ive ever made a difference in someones life.. like anyones.. koi bataiga thori :p

when ur in school u think school is shit college is cool.. when ur in college u think college is shit uni is cool.. when ur in uni u think uni is shit work is gona be cool.. when ur working u think work is shit retirement is cool.. when ur retired.. life is shit, life afterwards is cool.. decieved thruout aint we? till death that is.

life took its toll, when i lost my innocence..

need to find that guy Juzer again.. ahh Juzer... he was a nice guy... innocent, helpfull... wud help just abt anyone without a reason.. wudnt diss anyone... never talked back to his elders.. had respect for the most horrible person. guess this world has no place for such a person. wonder where he went :
I wish for words to mind.. i wish for a shadow at hind!..

its 5:20 am.. fuck.. am as if i had a good nite's sleep and have got up for uni or soemhting :s.. so seriously screwed up :S

been acting insane to keep my mind off of things.. even the teacher told me to get some tests done :$

FUCK INTERNET!! :@

on way to self destruction :)

surrouned by ppl still alone.. dont wana be alone but still going into exile. dont talk to ppl.. they wana talk to me.. or dont they? cant be sure.. cant be sure of anything.. was confused.. am confused.. hope i dont stay confused :\ ive managed to seriously piss off some teachers.. am so close to getting into serious shit :S

life goes on... until ur dead that is :|

jab manzil hee maut... chal diay zindagi ko kyoun?<

cry out.. burst into tears... blow my top off.. rage into fury.. touch a soul.. love till death.. i need to get these emotions out of me.. some time soon will be better though :
the real question is wat am i so depressed abt? may be am just a pathetic looser crying over spilt milk and has no cat to lick it :S ppl assume much abt me.. abt my potentials.. abt my abilities.. abt me.. y? cant ppl just be.

i look into the mirror.. n i see me. i see mee looking back at me.. i see me looking back at me trying to look at me.. i see me looking at me trying look into me, into wat am i... into wat ive become.. i see me looking back at me with a blankness.. with no hopes.. have i lost hope in me. have i lost faith in fate? havent i lost enuff as it is. i mite end up loosing everything else i got.. am i faking my depression.. am i faking all this.. dont i ask alot of questions? :\ loose the crap.. talk.. talk wats on ur mind. say something. fuckn shit am talking to my self :|

is it that i cant sleep.. or is it that i dont want to sleep? ive become so used to this. hitting the bed by 1-2 am seems to be like huh? like outa the question. wats the use anyways,. am goin to be awake till 5-6 till i fall asleep :S i like this hour. so quiet. no one to bother me.. all alone in my lil world. in my room. loneliness knows me by name,.. i think thats a song :\ cant remember by whom. cant remembder anything these days.. wel nothin important anways :p gave my so called mid terms. gave em all by wat i remembered from class.. or from wat i knew b4 this semister. happy that midterms r over :) jaali smile :S

over the years i managed to lose "Juzer" .. the person that i used to be.. the person ppl referred to as innocent. i shudnt had lost JUZER though. i shudnt had become jojo.. i shudnt had turned jaali. then again.. i never meant to. more like compelled to. who cares... coffee rulz (Y) from a slight wheatish color of coffee.. to a dark brown cup.. started using milk so that i can put more coffee.. damn! mom's gona kill me she finds out.. sometimes i wonder if she knows me at all? sometimes i wonder if anyone does? its my fault to begin with.. dont share much with ppl.. then again no one needs to hear my crap :) they got their own crap to sort out. alot of crap out there.. crappy world. crappy ppl.. crappy examz. crap crap crap crap crap. ok ive lost it :S pathetic lil being :)

shitty net :S its gone dead again.. i'll post this tomorrow :)

by jaalijojo 3:39 AM ;)

cofffeee.. cheersss!!
midterms aint goin that well. most of the study time.. am listening to songs or just staring at the books.. or notes.. or just the table.. or just sitting in the dark with the table lamp off. i like darkness.. black and red.. these two appeal me the most..

and when i thought i was goin backl to normal.. am fucked up again :S every freaking thing around me is getting messed up.

"abey kiya majnu ki tarah ghoom raha hay" "abhi tang na kar... may gham may hoon" n then they all laugh.. said this line alot of time.. never meant a single word of it.. and when i did mean it.. well not exactly gham but somehting like that.. they all luagh.. cant blame em for it. its me who made this a joke. yeah me the joker.. fuckn fake.. always trying to make ppl laugh.. who the fuck am i? always trying to get to the bottom of others problems.. getting other's life in order.. look at ur own life u big fake. if u were that much of a problem solver, she wud had never slit her wrist! "yaar teri kiya ghalti hay, konsa tu kuch kar laita" nahi karta.. try bhi kyun kee mainay.. y did i poke my nose into someone elses matter.. so i knew her from the net.. so wat.. wat exactly did u know abt her.. wat exactly do u know abt anyone in ur list.. never bothered to even ask their second name.

"dosro ki tarah kabhi tum nay kyun pic ka poocha.. ya phir number ka" (fama) konsa teer mar loonga yeh sab pooch kar. online baat karta nahi dhang kee.. phone par baat karona.. kar hee na loon baat :S

tears that i have seen in the eyes of whom i love... wish i cud shed some to get in the club.

i dont remember a single moment when i was truly happy.. not that ive lead a pathetic sad life.. but still i cant remember any of it. and wat i wana forget.. i cant :S

someday am gona read all this.. and laugh. if i live that long. still dont know wats on my skin :s

coffee over.. i wish i cud have more.. but then again dont wana get high...

pal pal rehta hoon may.. har pal doobta hoon may... pal pal soochta hoon may.. har pal mitt raha hoon may

am i crying over nothin?

i feel drunk :S cant hold a pen.. :S read thru the whole chapter dont know wat i read.. all i know is that i read thru it :) hope dinner gets me back to my senses :\

went to a cafe with huzi, coz he needed to check his mails.. i sat on another PC.. all i did the whole hour was empty my mail box n read on forums. signed into msn.. aisha was online.. said hi.. to which she said. "akhir kaar app ko time mill he gaya hi hello karnay ka" :S like WTF.. msg karo tou mushkil.. na karo tou mushikl.. then just signed out of it.. didnt feel like chatting anymore.. didnt bother to say bye.. n y shud i ? kehtay hain.. itno dino say kaha thay.. na mail na call.. how abt i say the same? kehtay hain yehi thee tumhara dosti.. net ki dosti.. wat else was it suppose to be? mail karo n look like a pathetic fool who has no life outa net? ... fine.. net ki dosti hay.. agar tou yeh dosti hay.. ive lost the meaning of frndshp.. lost too many to care any more.. from the list of 100 i dont know the second name of even 90 of em.. havent seen even 95 of em. never cared to ask.

b4 i started all this i made a pact with me self, i wud keep net life absolutely apart from my real life.. but :S my cyber life kinda pushed me into depression.. y? i dont know.. just did.. cant things just happen for no reason? i shud stop looking for reasons in everything. let things be..

i got no responsiblites wat so ever.. not to my family.. not to my frnds.. none.

thinking didnt do me any good.. fuck this depression.. am goin back to my insane ways!

when u pray for something so much n it just doesnt work out.. when this happens more than once.. or twice.. then u wonder if ur praying that much was a curse.. cursing something by praying for it.. doens tmake sense.. then again neither am i making any sense these days..went to uni after two days.. came back from uni after just 1.5 classes.. the teacher just wasnt making any sense..

stare i shall at time.. as it passes by.. wonder i shall as tides go by.. echo will those goodbyes that i heard in years that passed.. living in the past... with a lost present.. with no tomorrow that i see..

i got the get my priorities in order.. b4 i loose that i have.. in remorse of wat i lost..

lost r the days of joy... lost r the days of innocence.. lost r the ppl i knew.. lost is the time i had.. lost is the morning i saw.. lost i am... lost i am...

dizzy i am... fall i shall not... hurt i am... feel i shall not.. numb i am... think i shall not.. pain i shall... remorse i shall not.. remember i shall.. forget i shall not.. look i shall.. see i shall not.. walk i shall.. find i shall not.. dizzy i am...

reading old logs, i get insane at times.. never have seized to amaze my self. computer.. something that has always made me feel better.. but, its a machine. am i taking refuge at a machine? seems so.. am goin wrong ways.. dissing teachers.. fooling around in class.... havent really studied since the semister has started.. i cant think.. i cant study.. i cant sleep.. i cant talk.. :S wat the fucks wrong with me. timeout!

laughing by day.. dying by nite...
"thanx jaali.. u made me feel better" wat a fake i am, dont know wat i want.. n am helping ppl think out their thoughts.
msn, irc.. all crap.. running away from life.. taking refuge in some cyber world.. cyber phreaq...

'waqaiy jaali hee hay tu' yep.. absolutely fake.. wat goes on in my mind? someitmes i dont know.. then how can they?
have to cut down on coffee.. b4 i die of liver faliure..

dying from inside... is that wats happening to me? tired like helll nstill cant sleep? sitting there n doin nothin.. lost all flavour in life.. pathetic lil being aint i..

be optimestic.. like how.. when uve got nothjing to live for.. cant find no aim... fuck:S i dont know wat i wana write.. fuck this net.. its got me addicted

dying from inside... is that wats happening to me? tired like helll nstill cant sleep? sitting there n doin nothin.. lost all flavour in life.. pathetic lil being aint i..

be optimestic.. like how.. when uve got nothjing to live for.. cant find no aim... fuck:S i dont know wat i wana write..

its morning already :\ i was dead tired.. still didnt sleep at all.. turning all nite, hoping to fall asleep. y cant i sleep? :S computer always seems to calm me.. wat a freak i am :S my brain seems to have shut down these days, cant think of any sane thoughts, cant seem to study.. i try... but still :\

my heart has gone stone, regrets, hatred, anger, pain... had too much of everything. all cramped up. now i dont think from the heart.. reasons.. need reasons for everything these days.. even a reason to love...

"ur a very nice guy... u must have a gf" yeah sure.. i wish, i dont want someone else to get confused with me.. y do ppl think that am the same guy in real life that i am in my cyber life?

surrounded by alot of ppl, still i feel alone. may be coz i am alone? or may be i think i am alone. one wish i got, that there wud be thousands at my funeral, but then again y leave all those ppl sad. i think i'll die one day, ppl wont even notice. death, today tomorrow, dont seem to make any difference to me... not that i led an angelic life, being pious in my day to day life. but still, aint afraid of it, nor do i have any duty to my family.

na manzil na rah... chalu may kaha? dhoondu may kiya?<

sea.. beautiful thing... and is as mystical. so much water still u can die of thirst.. look at it for hours, but stil wont get bored. i sat there for a long time. cudnt take the racket back there. whilst everyone was dancing abt, i sat there. looking at the sea. i thought this was a good time as any to have a look at my life.. wheres its leading to... where its gona end up.. where do i wana end it up.. :\ thoughts didnt lead to any results. guess am back to where i started.. wandering aimless

its funny how i kid around abt death.. some ppl r afraid outa there minds when it comes to death. but me... :S

"tujhe tou zindagi may tafree chahaiy. tu ussi may khush rahay ga" (darhi) little did he know.. tafree that others see.. is just a way to get my mind off reality for me :\

tired from the day... may be i'll sleep better tonite.. i hope so... coz pills aint the answer to this :S

not enuff sleep. woke up with a fright, thought i heard soemthign. heard a sound from the past..i looked around but there was no one... no one was home but me. doesnt matter if they r there either. tears.. have seen em.. but ive forgotten how it felt to cry. been a long long time since a single tear rolled down my cheeks. am i stone hearted?

changes is wat i need.. or so ppl tell me. but y.. i cant see no tomorrow, then wat shud i change for?

ahhh.. coffee... seems my coffee is getting bitter week by week. doesnt taste bitter any more, sweetness of bitter coffee. everynite i have coffee.. is it coz i dont wana sleep or is it i need to work at nite, thought daytime was for working. sleep during the day.. stay awake thru the nite. thats how life is for me. these days cant even sleep during the day. something keeps bugging me. just wana drive my self to the limit so that am dead as soon as i lay down. no thoughts, no worrys, just sleep, 2-3 hours.. more is good. then its this roaster out side with a messed up internal clock :s

its valentines day.. yaay for all the lovers out there. they say love gives u wings.. but wat abt those who gave their lives in the name of love... joke of the day became a burden of life.. lucky all i had was a crush years ago.. but memories.. never cud forget those days. days.. days go by.. never seem to stop. stop has my life, lost its way. wats days to bring me? dont know dont care.. living a day's life.. a day with no morning no evening .. just hours.. hours and deadlines. deadlines with responsiblities..

never was into writing diary n stuff.. but wat they hey.. always a first time for everyhting.. have a test tomorrow.. dont feel like preparing for it... from rock bands to slow songs, wat am i listening to? am in pain? am i lost? didnt have anything to begin with, or did i but never saw it. confusion... ppl say i confuse them, but isnt it me who is confused? playing with a human mind can be fun but playing with emotions thats just plain cruel.

memories.. cant we just wipe the ones we dont want n keep wat we want.. lost in these memories.. argh! wat do i look for in those faces? wat isnt the real question.. its who.. who am i looking for.. y do i run away from em when i want em so much. running away from my self, running away from reality, may be thats y i talk weird... insane at time. the only way i can break thru those thoughts n not think at all. but do i? can i? most ppl thnk am stupid.. dont thnk.. dont care abt things..

ppl came.. they talked... they felt good tlaking to me.. then yd they leave? was it me.. was it them.. was i that much of a pest.. was i too insane? dont know.. dont care.. or do i?