I have nothing going for me these days. Actually nothing for more than six months now. Its like as much as I try to break free from the shadows, I still cant. I'm just stuck there looking at the light and longing to feel the warmth of the light.

Its been eating me inside for a long time now... and I just cant get over the fact why people I used to know so well.. people I spent so much time with, shared so much with... just drifted away. Lost all contact with them. Why did they leave without even saying goodbye... Then i came to a conclusion... a fact that was just staring at me... It wasn't them, it was me... I'm just a loser :)

The world is falling apart... and we're to blame.

its what we do that changes the coarse of our lives. everything that we chose not to do, well thats just lost and not important. its the actions that produce reactions. the choice is always with us. no one can make the choices for you, nor can anyone force it out of you. in the end... its you who makes it and must take responsibility for the same.

There is only one sin, only one. And that is theft. Every other sin is a variation of theft....When you kill a man, you steal a life. You steal his wife's right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone's right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness.

Purpose is plain.
Endurance of friendship does not depend
Upon ourselves, but upon circumstance.
But circumstance is not undetermined.
Unreal friendship may turn to real
But real friendship, once ended, cannot be mended.
Sooner shall enmity turn to alliance.
The enmity that never knew friendship
Can sooner know accord.

We must pass like smoke or live within the spirit's fire;
For we can no more than smoke unto the flame return
If our thought has changed to dream, our will unto desire,
As smoke we vanish though the fire may burn.

In the fire of love we live, or pass by many ways,
By unnumbered ways of dream to death.

i tag Heewa :p

3 things you can't do:

forget 'certain' things, speak arabic fluently, fry-chicken-without-it-bursting-into-flames :/


3 things you can do:

absorb technical jargon, see what most people fail to see, whistle :D


3 things that scare you:

ending up all alone, close places, being underwater


3 things that you love:

my family, drawing, watching movies :D


3 things you hate:

regrets, politicians, not-being-able-to-sleep-like-normal-people

Rose of memory
Rose of forgetfulness
Exhausted and life-giving
Worried reposeful
The single Rose
Is now the Garden
Where all loves end
Terminate torment
Of love unsatisfied
The greater torment
Of love satisfied
End of the endless
Journey to no end
Conclusion of all that
Is inconclusible
Speech without word and
Word of no speech
Grace to the Mother
For the Garden
Where all love ends.

Let these words answer
For what is done, not to be done again
May the judgment not be too heavy upon us

Because these wings are no longer wings to fly
But merely vans to beat the air
The air which is now thoroughly small and dry
Smaller and dryer than the will
Teach us to care and not to care
Teach us to sit still.

Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death
Pray for us now and at the hour of our death.

Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future,
And time future contained in time past.
If all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable.

graffiti from my facebook... not bad if i do say so my self :D

stare i shall at time.. as it passes by.. wonder i shall as tides go by.. echo will those goodbyes that i heard in years that passed.. living in the past... with a lost present.. with no tomorrow that i see..

When the hour comes every second speaks of Eternity.

Fate must be defied many times in order for a person to actually be called alive. This is because only a fool clings to Fate instead of living their own lives... Fate is Never Final.

If being a kid is about learning how to live, then being a grown-up is about learning how to die. It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness. To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.

For certain is death for the born
And certain is birth for the dead;
Therefore over the inevitable
Thou shouldst not grieve.

They say if a bird poops on you its a good omen. its a sign of wealth. i got pooped on twice today.. so I better be a millionaire soon or else ima sue them pooping birds!

all that shines isnt gold... it might be platinium.

To survive in this world, we hold close to us those on whom we depend. We trust in them our hopes, our fears... But what happens when trust is lost? Where do we run, when things we believe in vanish before our eyes? When all seems lost, the future unknowable, our very existence in peril... All we can do is run.

We dream of hope. We dream of change. Of fire, of love, of death… And then it happens — the dream becomes real.

The Earth is large. Large enough that you think you can hide from anything. From Fate. From God. If only you found a place far enough away. So you run. To the edge of the Earth. Where all is safe again. Quiet, and warm. The solace of salt air. The peace of danger left behind. The luxury of grief. And maybe, for a moment, you believe you have escaped.

We are, if anything, creatures of habit. Drawn to the safety and the comfort of the similar. But what happens when the familiar becomes unsafe? When the fear that we've been desperately trying to avoid, finds us where we live?

If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the problem. there is no middle ground. to rectify the problem and cross to the other side, might take drastic measures. the real question is how far are you willing to go? its just easy to blame someone else other than you, but the problem still remains... not in your back yard.. but it still remains.

life takes you places. lets to meet people. you cant help but make friends as you go along, have some great moments, memories devine. but it hurts to think of those moments and be able to relive it again. as you go along, you tend to realise that life is somewhat about meeting new people and letting go of the old acquantances. but its only human to hold on to the good things.

being right isnt that different from being wrong. its relative to which side you see it from. abnormalities stand out from the crowd. normality in ones life is also relative. you might think your normal... but relative to someone else, you might be the weirdo of the neighbourhood. by point being? well.. there is no point in comparing yourself with everyone else... coz you'll always end up finding someone better than you.

My brother and bhabi left for USA last sunday.. and since then house feels so empty :/ and today my cousin, and somewhat my best friend, left for Dubai. Its like an end of an era.. well not exactly.. but you know what i mean. Life goes on.

On another note, week back my friend F's mother died :/ its like without loved ones life doesn't seem worth living anymore... she feels that way though. I hope things work out for her.

I think about death alot... more than people normally do. for 18 years of my life, i never went to a funeral but ever since i came to Karachi, i have been going to a funeral every two months or so. its kinda weird to see someone one day.. and to bury him/her the next.

What do you say to a person who has lost all hopes of anything going right in his/her life? How would you even start to talk to him/her, considering you cant even imagine what that person is going through.

Every day we take alot of things for granted; people we dont show our appreciation to, things we dont care about, places we forget about. Its the things we loose, that somehow become valuable. Take time to think about the things you have and appreciate them, rather than regret about what you had or whine about what you dont have.

Death shall set us free!

Arey, you are 53% Pakistani!

Shabash puut, your score puts you in the ranks of the REAL Pakistanis! Have some lassi to celebrate - maybe it'll encourage your true character to come out more often.

How Pakistani are you? (first class number one!)
Create a Quiz

GEO website was hacked :D click >> here <<

I kinda woke up with this in my head, and i've been humming this since...

"Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.

Wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name,
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name.

You wanna go where people know,
people are all the same,
You wanna go where everybody knows
your name.'

Looking up into the dark clouds that remain so thick over. Hoping to see what the sky holds. Till it shines on you, a ray of hope!

Heewa's tag :P

three things that scare me:

1. clowns
2. close spaces
3. my rage

three people who make me laugh:

1. this uncle who lives across my friend's place
2. my cousin H
3. when in friends... i'm always laughing :P

three things i love:

1. good food
2. sci fi or fantasy movies
3. my PC

three things i hate:

1. people who lie
2. mornings that start with a head ache
3. humidity

three things i don’t understand:

1. why people go chay when they're in 'love' :/
2. commerce
3. grammar :$

three things on my desk:

1. nothing.. on one desk :p on the computer table... remote control
2. cd/mp3/radio player
3. dust cleaning thingy

three things i am doing right now:

1. wiping the sweat off my forehead :/
2. typing this tag thingy :p
3. looking at the download status and wondering when will i get unlimited DSL :(

three things i want to do before i die:

1. go back to khajoor land
2. buy the absolute ultimate PC with all the coolest goodies :D
3. meet my long lost friend A

three things i can do:

1. give geeky advises
2. drive pretty well (H)
3. listen to other people

three things you should listen to:

1. music indeed
2. bart simpson :D
3. women :/

three things i’d like to learn:

1. arabic, french and latin
2. linux
3. cook good food

three favorite foods:

1. seekh kebabs :D
2. kaari chawal
3. lasagna

three beverages i drink regularly:

1. non-alcoholic malt beverage :D
2. tea
3. apple juice

three tv shows/books i read as a child:

1. each and every cartoon... but classic loony toons cartoons were the best :D
2. Mc Guiver
3. seasame street :D

Dreams that seemed so clear turned out to be delusional hopes of a heart broken man. Nothing anyone can say or do change the utter truth; that stares at him with eyes so weary of anticipation. When world seems to stop and paths that lead to no where, is it worth walking into the darkness? Darkness can kindle thoughts that other wise tend to douse in the light. It’s a dejected feeling to be stuck in a vortex, when everyone else can seem to hyperspace through you. With shattered dreams, desolation is what to follow.

it hurts. it just hurts inside to look at someone and know his plans wont work out. even if everything around indicates the contrary, you have this gut feeling it wont. im not much proud about what i have, this gut feeling thingy. but i have it nonetheless. i can curse any situation.. just like that :/ might be coincidences.. but there have been far too many. kher.. i dont know how to write what i'm feeling right now. i'm never good with words :/

i havent found a job yet. its been 3 months now. and its not just me. almost everyone is just sitting around. there are no fucking jobs. well there are jobs but they dont offer them on 'merit'. i dont wana start that... its just depressing.

im just bored. JUST GOD DAMNED BORED! :|

Life can be very confusing at times. The number of choices one has to make through the coarse of life are just too many. The decisions one has to make, even the most smallest ones can leave an after effect that will screw up everything. Life is simple for those who make decisions with yes or no. it gets complicated when the word 'maybe' comes up.

Just about everyone these days is confused about one thing or another. I am.. aren't you?

the thing is... I DONT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE!

Today was the convocation. Yes... i have graduated with a CGPA of 3.24.

I'm just too blank right now. but sometimes people can be so suckie :/

sometimes talking to an absolute stranger even does the trick. all you want is to unload all the thoughts trapped inside doesnt matter who you unload to, as long as its not trapped inside anymore.

These days acting like a Messiah to others has more down sides and up. its better to mind one's own business and get on with life and expect others to do the same.

Just something i came across...

Close your eyes..... And go back in time.... Before the Internet, VCD and DVD. Before semi-automatics machine guns, joyriders and crack .... Before SEGA or Super Nintendo or Video Games... Way back.... I'm talking about Hide and seek (Chhupan Chhupaee) in the park or on the streets. The corner shop, Butter Scotch Candy, Mitchells Milk Toffee, Jubilee,football with an old can, hockey, cricket and Pittu with the same ball. jumping in enormous puddles, Building dams. The smell of the sun and fresh cut grass.Mayfair bubble gum. A POLKA ice cream pop cone on a warm summer night,Wait......Watching Weekday 5pm evening or Saturday Morning cartoons... short commercials, The Tom and Jerry, He-Man, Captain Caveman, Waltron, Walligator, DangerMouse and Pink Panther.Staying up late for Night Rider, Air Wolf or Power of Methew Star. Watching nice Urdu Plays like Un Kahi, Tanhaiyaan, Sunehray Din, Aangan Tera. Walking to school, no matter what the weather. Running till you were out of breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt. Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights. Climbing trees, having gola ganda stealing unripe mangoes (Karrie) from the neighbour's tree . Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down wascause for the giggles. Being tired from playing... Remember that? The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. I'm not finished just yet... Eating raw jelly, orange squash, ice pops.Remember when... You knew everyone in your street - and so did your parents! It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends. You didn't sleep a wink on EiD Chaand Raat. When 100 Rs. was decent pocket money. When you'd get a coke for 4Rs. When nearly everyone's mum was at home when the kids got there from School.It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb. When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner! At real restaurant with your parents.We were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings,drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! And some of us are still afraid of them!!! Didn't that feel good? Just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that! Remember when.... Decisions were made by going "eeny- meeny-miney-mo." "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly". The worst thing you could catch from other person was germs, and the worst thing in your day was having to sit next to opposite sex. Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a sling shot. Nobody was prettier than your Mom. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better. Taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable aspirin. Icecream was considered a basic food group. Getting a foot of snow ! was a dream come true. Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dare". Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors. If you can remember most of these, then you have LIVED!!!

i found my old apartment in KhajoorLand on Wikimapia :D coordinates of which are 24 41'47"N 46 39'10"E.

there is something very wrong with this blogger thingy :| it refuses to sign in when i want to actually blog :/ anyways... after like a month of streaks of bad luck with my car, i finally decided to let the darn thing go. so i sold the car and lost 1 lac :( but its kinda good though. its like this weight has been removed from my head. but i shall miss my car... but not when im driving the other car :p

it was my birthday, according to the hijri calender, yesterday.. and the day went quite well. fun even.

i cant think of anything else to blog about right now :p

Memories. ahh memories... its something that cant me touched, but can be felt everywhere. Everything you see around springs up a memory or two. during the coarse of life, not all memories gained are happy. but even the happy memories tend to hurt you.

all good things come to an end, and what your left with are its memories. four years of university were some good days. had the most fun i have ever had in my life yet. we can talk about those days for hours and hours and still the events and the situations that took place wont end.

they say the happiest of memories can be something that can keep a person living, something to hang on to when all comes lose. but its the same memories that makes you pain. here today, gone tomorrow...

we meet alot of people in our lives. alot. you befriend some. you fall in love with some. but people tend to move on. in search of better things. but what exactly makes something better than others? its how you look at it. somethings may be mere a way of life for some, for others its the most horrific thing to do. its just how you look at it. being right or wrong is relative.

someone once told me, think of the happy memories and you'll be alright. all this ever did was make me depressed. lol. this makes me a sad person. i cant forget people that i spent some time with. do those people remember me too? i'll never know. you come alone, you go alone. all you leave behind are memories.

memories are knives, it can hurt you.

Why live? when your dead inside...

i feel dead inside. very dead. i had an interview today... it didnt go that well and i dont give a fuck about it lol. i should though :p

and yes, the new interface thingy, it sucks! even if its my crappy internet, it still sucks!

I have been looking forward to weekends past few weeks. mostly because i have nothing to do at home at night, weekend is the only night when i go out with friends, and time just flys by. even if its just sitting around and talking. and occasionally picking on someone :p

its sad that the National Shipping Corporation building has been burning since 9am. its pathetic actually, because after all these years we dont have the proper equipment to extinguish fires in a building above the 10th floor. its the basic things we lack here. they are planning to build high rises and here they cant extinguish a fire on a building, like paah!

i believe that necessities should be given priorities over luxury. hell everyone does. they are spending billions in obscure over passes running all around the city, high rises, huge parks etc..lower class people dont give a shit nor will it make their lives any better... while there are areas with no proper roads, lack of fresh water, low literacy, lawlessness and the list just goes on and on. why not concentrate on the necessities of today than trying to grasp the luxuries of tomorrow.

the rich continue to grow richer, and the poor poorer. the middle class is soon to disappear and join the upper or lower class.

I cant get enough of this non-alcoholic malt beverage or... well.. beer you can say. Everyone I know hates it though. They cant even taste it. But I simply love it. May be partly because its bitter. I have developed a knack for bitterness. its funny though. when i was little, i used to have alot of sweets and 'sugary' things. like quite a lot of it. and now... well.. now i hardly have anything sweet anymore. i have just lost taste for it.

kher... I'm not pissed anymore though. instead i have grown numb to everything happening around me. i still don't have a job :/ its been over a month since unishitty ended. results aren't out either. I'm seriously doubting if four years of unishitty was worth it here.

On a brighter note, my head is empty right now. no random thoughts going about and stuff... its kinda hard to explain, but its kind of good. nothing more to 'blog' about.

This day was one of the most suckiest day of my life... life was getting shittier day by day, but the shit factor just crossed the limits today.

During the coarse of life, one faces many harsh realities of life. all of which add to the experience of one's mind so not to repeat the same mistakes twice... and your just stupid to repeat the same mistake twice. but being human, your bound to make em anyways. its just how it is.

One of the harsh realities of life is... nice guy finishes last. there is no place for nice people in this 'world'. you might argue this notion, but unless you did'nt notice; no one gives a fuck?... at one point or another, people will take advantage of the 'nice' guy. people will keep doing that coz its just easy to do. its these points in one's life that makes him change his perception of life. in the beginning, life is quite straight forward. in his naiveness, everything is so beautiful and so innocent like himself.... then shit happens, and he is compelled to think otherwise. think... what if its not like that. what if its a lie. still he tries to maintain his order of thoughts... but then shit happens again. and again. till he doesn't know what to think. that is when a person is lost. lost for words. lost for thoughts.

One should always have good intentions. one should. but does the other person have the same? apparently, these days, not. its a materialistic world out there. no place for morals and ethics. hell people might discourage these entities from society.

right now im pissed. i've been pissed for some days now, but this day just did it. i dont care much about money. really i dont. its here today, gone tomorrow. so what is the sense of getting crazy over it? what pissed me today was that there is no decency left in people anymore. they just want it all, and they want it the fast way. shortcut as to say. people will do anything for it. 'anything'. and sadly it is money that makes the world go around these days.

I missed by sister's surprise birthday party because of the incident today :( and that pissed me off even more.


right now i want to be anywhere but here. life has changed me drastically. and im just afraid that i'll change into something that i have always hated.

i used to think, people move away from me. its not like that. its me who push them away. after all, so many people cant be wrong.

i was dead tired when i finally came home. that was five hours ago. but i couldnt sleep. i was just too pissed to sleep, or to do anything else for that matter. and now that i have unloaded some thoughts, hopefully i might sleep a while. though i still have alot of random thoughts boggling up my head. i cant put them to words. i dont know how to. and yes. Happy fucking Valentine's day.

i did some changes to my blog :D but it still isnt the way i want it :/ i seem to have forgotten how to use frontpage :| i think im going dumb day by day.. and that isnt good. i didnt go through four years of unishitty for this damnit!

nothing much is going on these days though apart from the fact that windows vista zaleeled my PC :(

i need a change. any kind of change. change is good. but its not in my nature to change.. i dont change that easily, nor do i want to change. which leads me back to where i began... no where :p i tend to mumble in this particular state of mind. and still i can never speak my mind. i will never talk about everything that on my mind. i just cant. i like to keep it inside than to spill my beans to someone else who wont be around tomorrow. i have seen to many people leave so i guess somewhere in my head, i have decided that every person i meet will just go away one day.

i had this jaali folder in my cell phone with all kind of quotes, dialogues and single-liners. i lost them all though when my cell went for repairs :/

in the end, let me just get this out of my head...
Human Beings are designed for many things... but loneliness is not one of them.

i cant forget people. i just cant. nor can i let em go that easily. and that is just sad...

laughter depression... an interesting notion. it is true though. people who laugh too much feel like shit later :/

i hate this feeling of worthless-ness :/ day in day out its the same and damn im bored :| when it was unishitty had no time to do anything else.. now i cant find that 'anything else' that i so wanted to do :p

the thing i dont get (although there alot of other things i dont get but lets not go there as of yet :p) is why my PC refuses to stay alive for more than 6 months :/ i see my friend's PCs working flawlessly for years and then i look at mine. afraid of even moving it that it might break down :p

i cant think of anything else to 'blog' about right now.. may be later. right now im just too bored :/

somewhat a year since i posted last. i kind of lost interest in blogging, though i know it quite well how its a place to unburden my thoughts. well thats how i am, suddenly i lose interest in stuff... but i keep thinking about it.

nothing has changed much, apart from the fact that im done with my bachelors, awaiting results though.

hanging out with friends really gives you peace of mind... even if most of the time we'r argueing about one thing or another :P i have some great laughs with friends... but laughing alot has its downside.. when your alone, you feel like shit :| dont know why, its just how it is.

its a new year. a new beginning. thus it should mark the end of the 'old' me and start of a 'new' me. doesnt make much sense to you... but its crystal clear to me :)

i still dont get it. why do people i know so well, just dissappear from my life :/ or may be i never knew them at all. quite alot of random thoughts :p

i need to get a job. i know that, but still people keep telling me that :/ it quite annyoing now. four years of unishitty and im sitting home, because suddenly people decided that the market for electronic engineers is saturated :/ but i havent lost hope, as the 'shareef' way isnt working... ima pull some strings. thats how this country works.

after 3 years away from saudia, ive come to realise how i loved that place :( how i would give anything for a visit. though i doubt if i would like to live there again. because quite frankly its boring there.. but what i miss is the peace... the Umrahs.. how i miss those Eids in Makkah :( for 18 years, without a miss, i spent the Eid-ul-Fitr in Makkah. most of the Riyadhians would be there.. and it was so much fun. i just didnt realise that when i was there. you dont realise alot of things untill you dont have it anymore :/ its human nature. it sucks though!

everyone i meet assumes that i'll be getting engaged soon. or they just tell me to get engaged now that im farigh from unishitty. as intriguing as it may sound :p i dont want to.

i wana get a job. i want all the luxuries i had back in saudia.. i wana give my parents all the luxuries they had in saudia. they were there most of their lives, they've become used to them. and i shall one day INSHALLAH give all that back to them. from all those who walked away from my life, one thing is for sure... my parents wont be one of them. beautiful people they are. just beautiful :)

enough for a come back blog :p
till we meet again
may the force be with you :D

friends come and go, its family that sticks with you be it high or low. they dont leave.. well normally they dont that is.

death is something you cant look away from. like it or not, its there. its inevitible (spellings?) life should unveil on its own... rushing it will just rip it apart.

Death shall set us free!

Keep the Faith - Bon Jovi

If only life would had remained the same... why did it have to change? why did it have to become such complicated.

I dont know why I bother to write things here, no one actually 'reads' it. May be I want to read to read it, sometime in the future. They say everything happens for the better. They say change is good. If only 'They' could shut the fuck up! Minding ones own business has become more of a challenge these days. Everyone needs to find out what the other is doing. Not just find out, but to dig into their lives and 'know' everything. To be left alone, to be left on your own would be a blessing in this world today.

What is 'world' anyways? technically its nothing and still its everything.

Today is tomorrow's yesterday... if you live to see tomorrow that is, life can be quite unpredictable... and if you live to see tomorrow, 'today' can be quite a bitch.

I havent talked to some people that used to be quite close. people that I used to talk hours with and not notice the time pass by. They all go 'away'... them people. They don't even bother saying good bye. Maybe thats why I have issues trusting people. Maybe thats why I have issues getting close to anyone.

Making future plans has become more of a 'useless' aspect of life, considering the fact that just thinking of tomorrow fade it away...

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fourth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test

Ive realised that, the only way I can get these thoughts to stop are to write them somewhere. It doesnt matter if I keep what i wrote somewhere or not. it was just getting em off the mind.. making em stop. so people say its good to think. but to think of something that wont ever happen, or something that isnt actually 'sane' is.. well just a waste of time and energy.

so keeping 'off' hasnt actually helped. though ive been off the longest ever since i first came online. but the real question is what was i thinking of accomplishing by it? what is it that i so want to happen? is being random the only way?

kiya hay meray paas? kuch nahi....

no sense in telling a webpage things :/ so i'm gona stop talking to you!

...paisa phaink tamasha dekh!

i stand searching... for a shadow at hind...

and yeah.. dukha`an mush koi`es :/

human being is quite an intelligent creature. it can justify absolutely anything as right...

so i keep wasting time.. its fun wasting time :) but i dont wana be screwed this semester..

my defination of life keeps changing. watever the defination, i cant seem to follow it :/ no wonder it changes.

"woh na hua, kiya pata ussi may bhalaiy ho" kiya pata... cant know for certain. i'm not living in the past anymore, but i dont have much of an optimistic attitude towards the future either.

i feel lonely.. i feel so lonely...

we wish for alot of things.. but i realised something.. one should wish for a proper burial!

*its like my dad has no interest in what ive to say, and he no interest in what i can do. if thats how he wants it to be, so shall it be. may be i have nothing to offer to him, or to anyone else for that matter.

*she came to visit 2 days b4, y? may be coz i didnt go there for a while now. but for what. its all going to end after we move from here :)

*as he talked on about how 'he' will die n how hard its going to be on everyone n all.. i couldnt give a fuck abt it :/ for all i cared was for him to die and get it over with. there was this movie on a couple of days back with explosions and ppl dieing n all.. as i watching it, i realised i had this smirk on my face :/ cold.. how did i become so cold?

*on a another note, ive got high blood pressure. dont know howd that happen... but i do. and due to which liquid refuses to stay in my body... all the liquid i intake gets pissed out or sweat out and that too quite fast :/ so i mite end up lying faint on the side walk one of these days :D

i am evil. really i am. i can curse someone from within my heart, and it happens! they actually get cursed. i tend to make bad things happen just like that :/ ppl say dua karo keh yeh ho jaiy... dua karo woh ho jaiy... its like tell me if u dont want that particular thing to happen :|

khair i did curse someone, and it happend :) i am not proud of the fact, but still it happened. every two months or so, a friend's relative dies. ive been to the graveyard more in past 8 months than i have in 3 years. same place, and somewhat the same time. when people were crying here and there, i would be standing in a corner wondering if i can get a glass of water :/

i'm not feeling much of anything these days. ive gone cold :) may be thats the only way you can survive. caring about other people before yourself doesnt return much of anything, coz they will screw u first chance they get.

quite alot of random thoughts. who cares if they arnt important :)

its no use talking to somebody.. coz i'm not going to actually talk to the person :\ its just how i am. yeah i know i'm weird :) but isnt everyone? its the abnormalities of our ways of life that makes us an individual. no one remembers a normal person, coz they dont exist.

khair.. on a brighter note, we bought a house.. finally! :D

early mornings are so heavenly... steaming cup of coffee, cool breeze blowing and good music to ears... aahhh... i do appreciate people's concern, really i do. i dont mean to blow them off like that, but the issues i have were created by me... so they need to be resolved by me... and so they shall be. after we move to the other place, things will change. distance will indeed play its role :)

no random thoughts these days... just one... thought of death!

so i listened to her.. i heard everything she had to say. for some, i do think it wasnt her fault... but come on :S i feel sorry for some part but i dont know wat else to tell her. i mite be the only one who agrees with her for some part and still its me she gets pissed off saying ur just like the rest of em? as fucked up as it may sound, she has nothin to live for. shes goin to hell as it is, mite as well speed up the process :S but NOT ON MY CONSCIOUS! its enough i have to live with one death! like i said, everyone is entitled to an opnion :S i'm not a good listener, more like a fucked up one.. with nothin to say to the other person.

they ask for ur opinion, but they never want to hear what they dont like. they dont wana agree with u. they dotn wana hear anything negative abt wat they'r doin.. so y the fuck ask for other's opinions? :S u wana die? go die on ur own time. do watever u wana.. my head is already too fucked up :S and they tell me stop drinking that crap :\

so im not a good person? wat else is new :S i dont give a fuck anymore.. really.

meri udasi may kahee tum muskrati hogi? paah! yeh armaan hain teray... armaan...

ive been feeling so miserable since yesterday.. so fuckn miserable!
i cant get enough of this crap either. everyone one i know, who knows abt my coffee issues has told me to quit. but whenever i decide to, something fucks up everything. i cant sleep when i'm so dead tired, so if u cant beat em... join em?
lol, have u known a person who is actually afraid to pray for anything?
miserable, so pathetically miserable!

its these scars that tell u... wat happened in the past was real!

everyone is entitled to an opinion... no matter how fucked up it may be.

irony of the situation... having java while studying java :)

if your not part of the solution, then your a part of the problem... :)

What am i? a reason? a season? or a lifetime?
a somewhat old question.. but it does make one think...

i have to no i need to sort out a few things. ppl say they care.. ppl say alot of things. at the end, all they r just words. no one can be sure of 'words'

i have to no i need to sort out a few things.

i dont actually feel sorry for her either. i should, but i don't.

all it takes to end it... is a click of a mouse :) so what kind of relationship we talking about? something that hangs on a thread as weak as that... a medium between any relationship, cant be a real one...

...then again those r my thoughts. doesnt mean u have to agree with em :) mine... all mineeee!

to some, life is literally cruel. is it their fault, that life came to them as it did? technically speaking it is, but thats another issue. they cant change it now. what they can do... is make the rite choices now, atleast make their worldly life comfortable. but u cant really always make the rite choices, can u? so what choices are we talking abt? none! its the circumstances of life that makes u turn for a way. hoping it to be a rite way doesnt cut it either. u need to be prepared for the road ahead. stones and thorns cant move on their own. so wat am i trying to say? nothing! thoughts dont always lead to making sense. somethings are better off senseless...

wat he meant to say was... your a worthless piece of shit, whos been freeloading all this time
:)

love may be the best thing that can happen to a person, but getting heart broken is the worse that can happen. i wud tell him to becareful.. but then again its none of my business :) let life take its course...

..."so its better not to love at all".

dil-e-verran hain, teri yaad hain, tanhaiy hay...

...sach tou yeh hay, keh dua karna hee choor diya hay... :)

Scorpio: The less seriously you take yourself, the better off you will be
horoscopes tell u the weirdest of things :
raat itni andheri.. keh saiy bhi chup gaiy...

doesnt matter how good of mood ur in, there is always someone around to fuck up ur head :)
i try to be 'normal' i even succeed at times, but its 'crap' that ticks me off and just go back to square one.
those things that i disliked or even hated before, i dont give a fuck abt it now.. well i do.. but i dont :\ crap! crap!!!!

i dont exactly know y, but ive prayed for it... that too on more than one occassion :)
i think ive stopped beliveing in fate. u make ur own fate. all i want is SOBs to die and not to mess it up :\ y cant ppl just live their own fkn life and lets others do the same in peace :(

money... it divides and seperates ppl so easily... cant live with it, cant live without it.

lol, i cursed it :) i knew i was doin it, but i just wanted to make sure, and so i did :)

he blames me for her death, as much as we joke abt it, he still does... one tends to value things he has lost, than those he has.

being rich or poor, it doesnt matter... happiness comes from within...

:D

a person born blind, wud he/she dream at nite?

wat exactly am i doin still up this late? :/ sheesh i wont get any sleep till i'm sick, will i :S this sucks.. this sucks bad :(

LEECHES! blood sucking leeches, thats what they are! parasites that live, feeding on others. they sucked everything out for such a long time and still they want more :S if it were upto me i wud had disowned em a long time ago.

its kinda ironic, more like pathetic that i cant pray for someones long life or pray for someone coz it seems all my prayers ever do, is curse the whole situation :) sometimes i hate my self for that :/

so y am i writing all this? coz.. well.. i cant find a good enuff reason for it at the moment.. so i'll get back on it later :/

happiness doesnt come from a day or an occassion. it comes from within...

:)

its pathetic when a complete stranger asks u for advice abt their relationship. lol and wats even more pathetic is asking me abt it :P ive seen enuff crushes, ive seen enuff ppl fall in 'love' and then topple into a ditch so far down, that they dont know wats day light any more. ive seen enuff relationships break and some to an extend of never talking to each other. hell ive seen a person commit suicide all in the name of 'love' ....so heres wat i think, screw love :S if ur in love with someone be enuff a person to actaully tell that person how u feel. if u cant do that, go to the lake and fish, atleast u'll be having some fun. and if ur in a relationship, get freakn engaged if ur that serious abt it :S ohh i'm mad abt him, oohh she drives me crazy, ohh i miss him/her soo much.. a spark, and poof.. oh hes a SOB, oh that bitch!

oh so u dont agree with me? does it look i give a F? MY RANDOM THOUGHTS! minee.. all mineeee!!

fkd up crap! y do ppl have to be such shit heads? blah! dont they have enuff goin on :S

fuckn crap :S like is a "good nite's" sleep too much to ask for? :(

some things dont go away... some ppl dont go away. phir kiya kiya jaiy :\ may be i shud go away :)

atay ko tokna nahi, jatay ko rokna nahi... :)

was it ever to work out? is it better this way, or is this another 'phase'? time will tell...